


reminisce | e'dawn.

by reddawns



Category: Kpop - Fandom, Pentagon - Fandom, Universe - Fandom, boy group - Fandom
Genre: Amnesia, Bromance, Doctor - Freeform, F/M, Fanfic, Friendship, Hospital, Humor, Other, Pentagon, e'dawn - Freeform, kpop, maknae, ptg, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-07-25 19:05:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 29,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16203779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reddawns/pseuds/reddawns
Summary: hyojong has amnesia, so nine polite strangers try to befriend him.-not affiliated with e'dawn or any other characters mentioned (lowercase intended for story description only).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this ff is completed already but im not publishing all the chapters at once. it can also be found on wattpad.com @ reddawns. thanks for reading <3

_Jinho;_

I stepped out of those big glass doors for the first time.

The air around me was gelid and polluted. Not how I had imagined it, but still better than the harsh smell of isopropyl alcohol that made my face lose its color every time.

Earlier, I overheard Dr. Kim speaking to the pretty lady that kept checking in on me. He had told her Hyojong was the same as he had always been, but this time around, it'd be like he had been born as a highschooler. He'd need some grease for his hinges, Dr. Kim said.

"Mrs. Kim, why don't we show Hyojong to the parking garage?" It was a different voice now that sounded from behind me. One that needed to cough, for it was so raspy.

The lady, Mrs. Kim, nodded her head and smiled tightly my way, connecting her eyes with mine. I returned the gesture, though I tend to believe my smile was more genuine.

"Hyojong, come this way," she instructed me, holding out her arm for me. It was crooked so that I could fit my arm through, so I obliged. She was only two inches shorter than me.

We started walking. We crossed the street, interrupting the light traffic, and walked a block or two to the second-nearest building. It had several levels, more than I could count, and a big letter B on the entrance. "B," I repeated.

"That's the parking garage my car is in," Mrs. Kim told me. "Garage A was too full."

"Are they both for hospital patients?" I asked.

"Mostly, yes."

"That's a shame."

There were many stairs we had to climb until we reached the story Mrs. Kim's car was on. I was huffing by the time she guided me into the vehicle, and my heart rate had risen significantly. I should exercise more, outside of physical therapy.

"Hyojong, do you know my name?" the same raspy voice addressed me. I jumped, for I was under the impression Mrs. Kim and I were alone now, and spun around in my seat, seeing the man who was standing with Mrs. Kim and me outside the hospital. He was somewhat young despite the damage done to his vocal cords. I bet he smoked.

"No, sir," I said, ashamed. I was still facing him, so Mrs. Kim made a signal for me to fix my posture.

"I'm Mr. Jung. Pleased to meet you, Hyojong," he smiled. In order to keep Mrs. Kim satisfied, I used the rearview mirror to look at Mr. Jung. Mrs. Kim snapped my hand away from it the second I angled it towards myself. Then, Mr. Jung chuckled with a low, rather creepy voice, "Easy, Hyemi. He's not gotten a chance to use manners yet."

Mrs. Kim pulled out of the garage wordlessly and maneuvered us some place she told me was my home. And apparently, it had been my home for a while, I just couldn't remember it. She lived there, too, with a Mr. Kim and a Siamese cat named Bomi.

The road blurred as we transcended it. There were flashy red, yellow, blue, and green street signs everywhere, but I couldn't read them in time. Browning tree leaves fell on the windshield and made Mrs. Kim curse under her breath. She seemed awfully frustrated ever since she'd been told Hyojong was going to be infant-like. Frankly, all the hospital workers used my name lightly, but now anything corresponding to "Hyojong" seemed unwanted; I was suddenly the infant Mrs. Kim didn't ask for.

Mr. Jung and Mrs. Kim conversed stiffly between the driver's seat and the back seat, and I was listening with interest. The only kind of talk I'd been able to listen to at the hospital was weather reports and updates from Dr. Kim to Mrs. Kim. This time, the raspy voice and the uptight voice were chatting about work. From this, I learned Mrs. Kim was a florist.

Soon, we slowed down and rounded a corner on a cracked street dotted with red-gold Ginkgo leaves. The houses lining the road all had rustic, multicolored bricks, except one on the corner which was made of monocolored bricks. Its off-white front door and paneling needed touch ups, and a bird family was nesting in the gutters. I was relieved when Mrs. Kim drove past that house.

"Hyojong, we live in Gyeonggi-do. Please remember that," Mrs. Kim told me after she and Mr. Jung grew quiet. I nodded once respectfully and kept observing the area outside the car.

The road seemed to meander endlessly; I expected to live in one of the multicolored houses, but we pulled past all of them until there we turned left into a massive apartment complex. They all had balconies and windows, some of them cracked, some of them perfectly neat. Anything was better than the vibe I got from that plain house (except the hospital probably).

While Mr. Jung turned down a different hallway than Mrs. Kim and me once we actually entered the development, we all seemed to reside in the same building. Mrs. Kim pleased me with one of the well-kept apartments on the second floor. Looking to the left from the front door, I concluded it had white walls and a carpeted floor, a green suede sofa, a flatscreen TV that was impossible to see with the window blinds open, and several hallways leading elsewhere. I smiled. I'd only gotten a 24-inch TV and a roller bed when I was a patient.

"Your apartment is lovely, Mrs. Kim," I complimented as the woman placed her belongings on a table I'd missed upon entering. To the right of the living room was a dining room table surrounded by a wall of filled cabinets. Then, I realized Mr. Kim and Bomi were nowhere to be seen.

"I'm glad you think so since this is your apartment, too," she smiled softly, then turned away so I couldn't see her face anymore. She seemed to do that a lot. "By the way, Dawn..."

"Is that my name?"

"It's just a nickname."

"Sorry. Please go on."

"You don't have to call me Mrs. Kim anymore," she resumed, revealing her face once again. The whites of her eyes were slightly pink. "You can call me Mom."

"Mom?" I questioned, unsure. She nodded firmly. "Don't you think that sounds a little informal?"

"No, honey. Not at all."

"All right, then. _Mom_."

"Come on, I'll show you your bedroom," she summoned me to her heel and then I followed her down one of the hallways. The first room was a half-bathroom, the second merely a towel closet, and the third a small, navy blue room. It was shockingly tidy inside and smelled like springtime. Despite my immediate discomfort due to the dark wall color, I felt that I could really own this room.

Mrs. Kim let me explore it by myself. There was nothing on three of the walls, but the one behind my twin-sized bed had a couple posters lined up in perfect alignment. The first poster was for a movie, the second a sloppy painting, the third a blown-up photograph of a woman. She was pretty, just like Mom, but in a much different way. I had no idea what her name might be.

I sat down on the bed, fanned my fingers out on the striped bedspread. It was soft to touch. My lips curled into a smile; I kicked my feet up and lay down, my shaggy brown hair falling into my face as my head touched the single fluffed pillow. It was so relaxing, so comfortable. And it smelled so pleasant--something I'll never grow accustomed to.

Yet as soon as my back touched the mattress, my hoodie fell open and a rattle sounded. I groaned at the noise coming from my prescription medicine.

Mom came back into the room in a rush as she heard me struggling to open the container. I'd learned how to open these while I was being hospitalized, but the safety lid was too complicated for my naive hands. "What time are you supposed to take these?"

"'Just once a day,'" I told her, reciting exactly what Dr. Kim told me when I first received the dreaded pills. "'Once a day, doesn't matter what time.'"

"All right," Mom told me. "After you're all settled, I have something for you to do." She sat down beside me on my bed and looked hopeful, so I sat up and listened. "Do you remember how to get to the very first house on that street right there?" She pointed at my wall, but I knew which house she meant regardless.

I nodded.

"I would love it if you'd go down there, knock on the door, and meet the people who live there," Mom said. Her eyes were pleading. "They're a lovely couple, and they have a son your age. You would adore him."

"My age?" I asked. She nodded like it was obvious, so I looked down bashfully. "What is it?"

"Eighteen."

"And what's his name?"

"The boy? His name is Jo Jinho. You will just adore him!"

\- 천천히 -

The door, which left a gossamer layer of dust on my knuckles, swung open to the face of a man around Mom's age. He grinned exceptionally wide at my presence, pushed open the storm door, and _almost_ said something.

"Dad!" someone deeper inside the house called, and then my fellow eighteen-year-old appeared in the frame. He was breathing heavily. "Hi! You must be the new neighbor."

For such a rundown home, the people inside already seemed so alive and quirky.

I bowed. "Yes, hello."

"My name's Jinho. Mrs. Kim has told me in great excitement that you would be here," Jinho smiled warmly, and I smiled back. "Please, come inside."

I stepped into the house, realizing how much taller I was than Jinho. Was he really eighteen? His father was certainly the right age, but Jinho's height confused me.

Then, I met Jinho's mother, a very short, bony woman, when she offered me some tea from the other room. This must be where he gets it from, I thought. I accepted some tea and sat down with Jinho and Mr. Jo at a circular table.

"What school do you go to?" Jinho asked me as soon as I sat. Good, a conversationalist.

"Uh," I said, struggling to regain the name of the district. "I'm sorry, I can't remember it."

"That's okay. If you live in those apartments, you'll probably be in the same school as me. And how old are you?"

"Eighteen."

"Me too! We will be in the same grade!"

Jinho was so bubbly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> big character. literally and metaphorically.

_Wooseok;_

When I woke up the following morning, my head was spinning. I dreamed something, but I couldn't remember what it was. There was a cramp in my right hand. My skin was damp from sweat, but it was very cold in my room.

I hauled myself out of bed, shuddering at the dimness of the room despite the sun blinding me. My teeth felt dirty, and I wanted to shower. So I walked back into the main room, the one with comfortably white walls and the dining table and living room. There was a man there, making coffee. His back was facing me.

"Excuse me," I said. It definitely wasn't Mr. Jung, for this man was shorter and fitter. He whirled around with a start, mug in hand, and then exhaled with relief at the sight of me.

"Good morning, Hyojong," he said.

"Are you Mr. Kim?" I asked, narrowly recalling yesterday's events. Where was the cat?

The man nodded with a smile, then gestured to the table. I didn't move, but instead I asked him, "Can you show me how to use the shower?"

"Oh, of course. Come this way."

Ninety minutes later, I was sopping and clean, but I couldn't figure out how much shampoo and conditioner to use, so I didn't use any--my hair was smooth enough without it. I left the bathroom a steamy environment, and the crisp air in the hallway made my forehead perspire immediately. That wasn't what I wanted.

Mom was sitting with Mr. Kim when I returned to the large room. They were both sitting at the table, sipping coffee, and chatting happily. Mom hadn't been that happy when she was with Dr. Kim, Mr. Jung, or me. Maybe Mr. Kim was really cool.

"Dawn, come sit," Mom called, and Mr. Kim made a face at the nickname. I did, too, but probably not for the same reason. I sat beside her, my back straight and my legs forward lest she reprimand me again. "How did you sleep?"

"It wasn't good," I summed, though I couldn't state why if she were to ask. Mom and Mr. Kim frowned. "But my bed is nice. Thank you for it."

"Of course," Mom sighed. "Did you get along with Jinho yesterday?"

"Yes," I nodded. "He's really happy."

"Happy?" Mr. Kim asked, surprised. "That's so good to hear. How are his parents?"

"Very kind," I informed them. "I drank Mrs. Jo's tea."

"You like tea?" Mom asked. I just nodded, remembering it had tasted and smelled really nice.

Mom and Mr. Kim exchanged some blank looks, or at least ones I couldn't interpret, so I tapped my fingers out of boredom. "What are you guys up to?"

"We don't have work, so we'll be home today," Mr. Kim explained. "Maybe we can show you around the neighborhood. There are some things we'd like to do."

"That'd be nice," I nodded. It occurred to me that I was only wearing a towel, so I stood up quickly. "May I get dressed?"

"Please."

Rummaging through my drawers, I found a lot of very similar clothes. I didn't have many options, so I put on a white T-shirt, grey sweatpants that were cuffed at my ankles, and the dark blue hoodie with my pills in the pocket. Altogether, it was very comfortable.

Over the next few minutes, I found myself sinking into the couch, staring at the TV. The channel was number six, and a show from the 1990s was on. Mr. Kim came to stand in the living room and observed, a dumb smile on his face. He seemed more personable than Mom, at least when she was with me.

"This is the pilot," Mr. Kim told me, chuckling as a woman in a flowing white gown came onto the screen. Her hair was wet.

"What's a pilot?"

"The first episode."

I turned the volume up and folded my legs beneath me, struggling to find a comfortable position. The six characters on the screen carried out their conversation. They were also on a couch, sipping from enormous mugs, and making sympathetic comments about the tall man's failed marriage. That was what I extracted from it, anyway.

"What is this?" I asked Mr. Kim, sitting forward with interest. My pointy elbows burrowed into my knees. I turned the volume up more so I could catch more dialogue, and Mr. Kim grinned.

" _Friends_. You're going to love this show if you keep watching."

I decided then that I would keep watching.

\- 천천히 -

At noon, there was a pounding on the door. I jumped off the couch as I heard it and paused the TV; I was halfway through another episode of  _Friends_. Mom scurried out of her room, where she had been folding laundry, and held her hand up at me to calm me. I let my tense shoulders droop, and she opened the door to a huge man with youth in his smile.

"Wooseok," she softened, craning her neck to see him. Her grin was so bright, brighter than it had been with Mr. Kim this morning. That was pretty. "Please, come in! Dawn, it's your--" She paused.

"Hmm?"

"Neighbor," Wooseok finished for her, walking inside. He must have been seven feet tall. "I'm Jung Wooseok. Nice to meet you!"

"Nice to meet you," I reciprocated. We did a handshake, and in the middle, he pulled me up to his chest and patted me on the back. It seemed normal to both him and Mom, but I didn't know how to react. Whatever. "I'm Hyojong."

"I know," Wooseok told me. "I'm a friend of Mr. and Mrs. Kim. My dad is, too."

"Your dad?" I asked. "Is your dad Mr. Jung?"

I realized it was an awkward question, and Wooseok laughed at me. "Yes, he's a specialized nurse at the City Hospital. So you might see a lot of us."

I just nodded my head, patted my thighs anxiously. There's nothing to  _do_.

"Wanna watch  _Friends_?" I asked him, not knowing what else to say. Yesterday, Jinho initiated all the talking. Wooseok beamed at me and nodded eagerly, so we bent onto the couch and I clicked some buttons on the remote until the show started playing again. Mom disappeared.

"I love this episode!" Wooseok exclaimed within the minute. I looked at him with wide eyes. "I used to watch this show every night after school with my friends. Still do from time to time, with most of them."

"Who are your friends?" I wondered.

"They're from school. In fact, if you go to school, you can meet them! We're about the same age, I bet," Wooseok estimated, eyeing me up and down. "They all live really close by. I can show you to their houses someday."

I scratched my chin. "Is one of them Jo Jinho?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"Mom sent me to his house yesterday when I got home," I explained. "She said I'd get along with him, and he knew I'd be there. It all just worked out, I guess."

"I guess it did," Wooseok said softly. His eyes were back on the TV now, but I couldn't focus. For one thing, I was amazed at how small the world was, seeing as Mom knew Mr. and Mrs. Jo, Jinho, and Mr. Jung, and Wooseok was Mr. Jung's son, and Mr. Jung probably also knew the Jos because Wooseok and Jinho watched  _Friends_  after school together most evenings.

What a funny picture, I thought; Wooseok and Jinho standing next to each other would be quite a sight.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you'll see

It was Tuesday.

I hung out with Wooseok nearly every day since I met him, which was only four days, and we became good friends. I went to his apartment after we watched  _Friends_  on Saturday, and Mr. Jung was just as robotic as always. On Sunday, Mr. Kim took me to buy a cell phone, and I saved Mom's and Wooseok's phone numbers. Wooseok later gave me Jinho's and offered the number of someone named Yuto, but I told him I didn't know any Yutos. He seemed confused but okay with the fact.

Now, Mom was home from work, and she had sore hands from handling roses all day (she said that happened a lot). She smelled nice though, and her cheeks were red from the cold. I stood in front of her when she came inside.

"Everything okay?" she asked me, placing her purse on the table. I nodded.

"How was work?"

"It was fine," she said. "Listen, Mr. Jung noticed you met Wooseok, and he'd like to know if you want to go to school with him one day."

"School?"

Mom shuffled into the kitchen, washing her hands and putting dinner supplies on the table. "Yes. They call it shadowing. You won't have any assignments, but it'll be a good way to see if you can adjust to public school this early."

"That could be cool," I shrugged. "What's it like there?"

"Why don't you ask Wooseok over for dinner, and we can all discuss it then?" She started cooking and seemed sort of impatient, so I silently agreed and went to get my phone off my bed. I turned on my ceiling light and my bedside lamp before fully entering the room. It made the almost-black walls less obvious, and while it was still drastically different from the hospital's friendly lighting, it was more comfortable for me than darkness.

I forgot which app was used to send messages, so I clicked the one with the telephone on it and then Wooseok's name. I'd seen doctors do this in the hospital, as well as Mrs. Kim the first time she came to visit me.  _Mom_.

"Hello?" Wooseok answered.

"Hi," I said. "It's Hyojong."

"I know, man, Caller ID. You need something?"

"What's Caller ID?"

"Funny you should ask." He laughed to himself. "That's how you know who's calling you when you get a phone call. See, if I call you, your phone should tell you Jung Wooseok is calling."

"Oh. Wanna eat dinner with us?" I asked.

"Sure, I'll be right there," he answered.

He was here within a minute--I wasn't counting, just bored. I let him inside and sat at the table while he and Mom talked. They seemed closer than I was to either of them.

"So, Wooseok, I brought up school to Dawn, and I would love it if he could shadow you tomorrow," Mom mentioned casually, smiling at my friend. "Your father has a bunch of forms filled out already. He must've been anticipating the day Dawn goes to school, too."

"That's great!" Wooseok exclaimed, looking happily between Mom and me. I could see her cheeks puff even though she was facing the stove, so I knew she was smiling as well. "You want to, Dawn?"

I turned my head toward him exceptionally fast. He called me Dawn.

"I-I mean Hyojong. Do you want to shadow me tomorrow?"

"Oh," I deflated, "yeah, that sounds fun. Tell me about your classes."

Mom gave us tea, and we talked about his schedule. She listened with curiosity. Wooseok told me his favorite teacher, his favorite friends per class, his favorite subject. It's Phys. Ed., he said, and I would probably like it, too. He told me Jinho was in that class, and so were all his other friends.

"Phys. Ed. sounds fun," I noted, nodding along with Wooseok's rambling. He looked pleased that I agreed with him on the matter.

"Of course, no one likes changing his clothes in four minutes, but it's worth it."

"I look forward to it, then," I assured him. We chatted for about ten more minutes, mostly about unimportant things like the similarities between school hallways and hospital corridors, but what can I say? We both had our share of experience.

Subconsciously, I must have had been listening to Mom's movements, for I looked at her when she twisted the burners off and grabbed dishes. The room was heavy with the smell of chicken, peanuts, and sauces that I couldn't identify--something I had plenty of in the hospital but of low quality. This smelled authentic.

"Dr. Kim told me you were a fan of  _dakgangjeong_ ," Mom suggested, sliding a plate of crunchy chicken to Wooseok and one to me. "Let me know if you like this recipe."

"I know I do," Wooseok commented, his pupils dilating at the meal. Mom and I laughed, and we dug in without her or Mr. Kim. I was pleasantly surprised.

"This is great, Mom," I said after downing my first bite. "The  _dakgangjeong_  they had at the hospital was freezer-burnt."

"Tell me about that, by the way," Wooseok insisted, wiping his fingers on a tissue he extracted from his pants pocket. "How long were you at the hospital?"

I pressed my back against the back of the chair and chewed, contemplating how long I'd been there. It certainly felt like it had been my whole life, but I knew that wasn't realistic. Mom seemed antsy to see what my answer would be, so instead of telling Wooseok, she let me ponder until I was frustrated. I came up with six months because they'd served me sponge cake recently as an anniversary for being an inpatient that long.

"That's a long time," Wooseok commented, impressed. "You must be relieved to live here, then."

"I haven't decided that yet."

He gave me a look, but it was true. The Kim family's apartment was very cozy, and it wasn't in a bad neighborhood either; the air was clear and breathable despite its temperature, which was a drastic change from inside and directly outside the hospital, where it was either chemicals or smog that I inhaled every night and day. Here, I had my own bed, a decent television, a cell phone. I had my own wardrobe. My socks weren't fuzzy and hospital-issued. But that being said, I couldn't ever call it my home. Especially because my own bedroom scared me; it was the darkest place I had ever entered or been told to sleep in. It had items that were supposedly mine in the past, but now I could never identify them as my property. In a technical way, they  _weren't_  my property. I'll never know whose belongings they were, and that resonates awkwardly with me.

Why did this happen?

\- 천천히 -

I didn't sleep so easily that night. My teeth felt clean, my skin felt dry, my eyes felt tired; I just couldn't fall under, knowing I was surrounded by a navy blue wormhole. I was inside a void whose door was too noisy to open when I felt like resorting to the couch.

On top of that, my dinnertime conversation had gotten to me. Wooseok said I probably liked living here, but he was wrong. Could that mean I wouldn't like Phys. Ed. either? I remembered Mr. Jung had paperwork done for me, papers that would allow me to follow Wooseok around school the next day--Wednesday--and see how far or close I was to attending public school myself.

Certainly, the thought of meeting Wooseok's friends interested me. I knew he, and maybe even Jinho, would be with me, and that knowledge felt nice.

I only wish I remembered what to expect.


	4. Chapter 4

_Yuto_ ;

Mom shook me awake at an unearthly hour, it seemed. She flicked the light switch on, but my eyes could not stay open. The blankets were so warm, my room so bright, and my head so heavy.

"Hyojong, you're going to school today," she whispered, patting my shoulders. I sat up and shut my eyes, hoping it wasn't possible to fall asleep vertically.

"What?"

"School," she repeated quietly. "You're shadowing Wooseok today. He and Mr. Jung are already here, but you have an hour to get ready."

I nodded and swung my feet over the edge of the bed, bumping into Mom on the way. She seemed to have laid some clothes out on my bed, so I examined them and figured they would be okay for my first day.

It was a pair of khakis, a white button-up shirt, and an emerald green necktie. It didn't take me long to realize I must comply to a uniform at the school, and while I was not yet a registered student, I should look presentable. Bearing this in mind, I combed my hair with my fingers and got dressed quickly.

After I brushed my teeth, Mom sought me out and offered a cup of coffee to wake me up, so I accepted it. "Come say hello to Mr. Jung while you're at it."

"Hello, Mr. Jung," I said monotonously, waving to him and Wooseok, who was standing in the corner of the kitchen with a mug in his hand. Wooseok's outfit was the same as mine, only he was wearing a blazer, too, and his tie was black. His middle-parted hair fell in his face. It would spill into his mug if he wasn't careful.

"Morning, Hyojong," he greeted me. "Are you excited?"

"Very!" I smiled. Although that was at least half true, it almost hurt to smile so brightly, for I was still unbelievably tired; at the hospital, I was allowed to sleep in until nine o'clock. This feeling was probably the worst ever since I finished physical therapy.

"Great!"

Mom and Mr. Jung chatted. Mom was packing things into her purse and bent to pour food pellets into a small silver dish. It must be Bomi's, I thought.

"Mom, where is your cat?" I asked, intrigued. I had stayed here for six days and still somehow never saw a trace of an animal.

"She's just in my bedroom," she explained. She seemed pleased that I brought up Bomi, or maybe it was that I remembered Bomi existed. "She's very shy and unused to anybody aside from your father and me."

That flipped another switch in my brain. "Who's my--"

"The coffee's ready," Mr. Jung interrupted, eyeing Mom rather urgently. She just nodded and tended to the pot of black coffee, which had just been reheating itself. Wooseok, not paying attention, sipped his own drink and scrolled down the screen of his cell phone. "You look sharp, Hyojong."

That was forced, but I brushed it off. "Thank you, sir."

Just twenty minutes later, I was absorbed in a TV show I'd never seen before but Wooseok told me it was time to go.  _Channel Ten. Channel Ten. Channel Ten._

"My dad drives me most days," Wooseok said to me. Mr. Jung was a couple feet in front of us, but we followed him out of the building and into the parking lot. "He can drive you to school, too. We'll just see how today goes."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" I asked, furrowing my brows. "All this about seeing how I adjust to public school."

"It's probably because no one knows what level classes you need," Wooseok shortened--I knew there was more of a reason, he just didn't want me to know it yet. I was fine with that as of now.

"All right, then."

We got into the back of Mr. Jung's car, and in the mirror, I saw Mom leave the apartment as well. She had her purse on her shoulder, her phone pressed to her ear, and her keys pointed at the Prius she drove me home in.

"You've taken your medicine, Hyojong?" Mr. Jung asked me, eyeing me through his rearview mirror as I had when we left the hospital. It felt like karma, maybe for criticizing his gravelly voice.

"Not yet," I blushed. "I'll just take it at school."

"Oh, no, we can't have drugs on campus," Wooseok informed me, and I thought I detected regret in his eyes after he said that. He stared down at me with his eyebrows arched upward, his lips sealed like he was trying to dam any further statements.

"Because...?"

"Uh," he started, "some kid was suspended last year for selling his antidepressants to the underclassmen. You and I, we're seniors, by the way."

"That's disappointing." Wooseok snorted after I made my remark, and he received daggers from Mr. Jung in the mirror.

Mr. Jung's car trudged down the Ginkgo-leaf-clad road and headed in the direction of the hospital, making a few unfamiliar turns until the school became the only building in sight. It was large, and there were herds of students concentrated at the entrance. I could see them from the road, but they seemed less herdlike when Mr. Jung pulled up beside the sidewalk and dropped Wooseok and me off.

"Got Hyojong's forms?" he asked Wooseok, who nodded firmly. "See you later, kids. Hyojong, don't take those pills until you get home."

\- 천천히 -

The first few classes were boring. I sat with Wooseok and talked to him the entire time, and fortunately he didn't chide me for distracting him. In fact, he seemed grateful. I didn't have much time to meet his friends in those classes, though, especially not during Phys. Ed. because I had to sit in the bleachers while the class played soccer. The teachers there were both very fit and happy to see me, sorry that I was in no condition to play soccer with everyone. I had trouble following the game, but Wooseok seemed to know his way around it.

Now was lunch period. We didn't sit in the cafeteria with the mainland of Wooseok's friend group, but we went back to the field where Phys. Ed. took place most days (he had explained this to me in the locker room, where I felt extremely uncomfortable).

"I think the cafeteria might be a little overwhelming for your first day," he explained to me, leading me past the soccer field and over a tiny hill. "There's someone here who you wouldn't have met in there."

"Who?"

"His name is Yuto," Wooseok said. I think he talked about Yuto before. He played with the straps of his backpack as we walked over and down the hill. I saw a huge dirt diamond, designated for baseball. That came as a surprise to me--I'd only ever seen the Japanese and Americans play baseball on TV. "I should warn you, he tends to be intimidating to people, but he doesn't try it. He's too nice."

"Good to know," I shrugged. We walked to the dugout and peered inside.

"Yuto!" Wooseok called, grinning at a tall figure with a bat in its hand. It whirled around.

"Hey, Wooseokie," he said, offering a small smile. His voice was really deep, and maybe there was a slight accent, too. He walked into the light, and I saw he had a black T-shirt, unbuttoned baseball shirt, and white pants on. He seemed comfortable in it, or maybe he was just a baseball groupie.

When Yuto looked at me, his already timid smile minimized and he stuck his hand out to shake mine professionally. I wasn't sure why I had that effect on him, or Mom for that matter, but I shook Yuto's hand anyway and stared at the grass beneath my feet.

"Oh, sorry. Hyojong, Yuto. Yuto, Hyojong. He's shadowing me today," Wooseok said after a couple seconds of silence.

"That's okay, Wooseokie," Yuto chuckled fondly. God, why did everybody love Wooseok? "How do you like the school so far?"

"It's interesting," I said truthfully. Classes themselves were tedious though. All day, I'd been experiencing déjà vu, but I couldn't name any teachers or find the nearest bathroom if I were here by myself. "I think I could get used to it."

"That's good," Yuto nodded. He moved the handle of his bat to his other hand and shifted his weight.

"You play baseball," I finally acknowledged, not necessarily asking Yuto but piecing things together in my mind. I said hello in Japanese to him, and Wooseok looked down at me with the most surprised expression I'd ever seen.

"You speak Japanese?" Wooseok asked, his voice going higher than I'd ever heard it.

"How'd you know?" Yuto added, suddenly flashing me that smile. His teeth were straight. He returned my hello, finishing our conversation in Japanese rather than Korean: "It's good to meet someone else who knows my first language, though I'm shocked that you understand it."

"I am, too," I confessed. "I can't remember many things, but this is like second instinct."

"That makes me happy."

In Korean, Wooseok groaned, "What are you guys talking about?" so Yuto and I switched back.

"Sorry, Wooseokie," Yuto said. "Bring Hyojong by more often, will you?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> awkward silence by stray kids

_Shinwon_ ;

The day seemed much shorter than the rest of my days, in which I had nothing to do--no obligations. School made that drastically different for me, and I was tired by the time the final bell rang and Wooseok and I had to leave. I had walked so much my knees wobbled. One of the teachers followed me with her eyes every time I passed her classroom.

We walked side by side through the halls, the parking lot our destination. Mr. Jung was here to pick us up.

"So," Wooseok said finally, holding the lobby door open for me. It was bitingly cold outside.

"So?"

"How did you like school?"

I shrugged, yawning. "I want to sleep. I usually don't have so much on my schedule."

He grinned. "Heh, I get the feeling. You'll wake up soon, though. Mind if my dad takes us somewhere before we get home?"

"Where?"

"My friend works in this coffee shop," he explained. We both searched for Mr. Jung's car among the rows of students' rides. "He skipped school today to work there, so he'll be off his shift in a few minutes. I'd like to see him."

"Sure."

Mr. Jung pulled up and welcomed us into the car. The heat was blowing; it felt nice. Wooseok's nearly empty backpack slid across the seats, landing on my lap, and I didn't have the heart to push it away in the event that he was possessive over his backpack and didn't want me to move it.

"Dad, can you stop at Namusairo?" Wooseok asked as the car eased off school property. "I'd like to introduce Shinwon and Hyojong today."

"That sounds like a good idea," Mr. Jung smiled. "Ask him if he'd like to come over. I'll be at Hyemi's place to discuss some things."

 _Hyemi's place_. "Isn't that my place?"

"Yes, Hyojong," Mr. Jung sighed. Why was he closer to Mom than I was? "I know it's strange, but Dr. Kim advises it."

I shook my head and stared out the window. The view was very similar to the one when I was leaving the hospital, yet this time, I didn't feel as independent and joyful as I was that day. Only a couple days ago, my life was orderly, relaxing, and simple, no end in sight; but when the next of life's doors opened, I must have tripped badly upon entering.

Wooseok nudged my upper arm, swiping his backpack off my lap afterwards. I just turned my head to acknowledge him.

"You good?" he asked, his eyebrows raised in concern.

"Good?" I repeated, not knowing how to use the term. I experimented, "Uh...  _you_  good?"

He shook his head. "It means  _are you okay_."

"Yes."

Mr. Jung drove past the street with Jinho's house and the shedding Ginkgo trees. There was a stoplight at the end of this road, and it seemed to lead to a shopping center rather than another neighborhood. Immediately past the stoplight, the flashy white Namusairo sign was visible. So this Shinwon didn't work very far.

I felt less worked up when we arrived at the cafe. Mr. Jung promised Wooseok and me he'd be waiting in the car for us, and it wasn't long before I was inhaling the scent of ground coffee beans. It was a soothing fragrance, and the lighting was calm, too. Shinwon, whoever he was, was lucky to work here.

"Hey, Wooseok," was the first thing I heard inside the building. There weren't many people here, just an older businesswoman in the corner plus the baristas. We both looked toward the counter, where a tall guy around our age was waving cheerfully. There was an older man cleaning out one of the machines, and he didn't bat an eye when his younger colleague spoke.

Shinwon eyed me thoroughly as if reading my expression was his job and not making coffee. "It may not look like much now, but you should see this place at six AM. It's like an apocalypse."

"This is Hyojong," Wooseok laughed, pushing me closer to the counter. I made sure he was still behind me before approaching Shinwon on my own. "He shadowed me today."

"That's fun," Shinwon commented. "Nice to meet you, Hyojong. Want any coffee?"

"No, thanks," I declined shyly. Wooseok and Shinwon had a quick conversation about the history exam yesterday, and I stood quietly, listening in until Shinwon officially got off his shift. It wasn't long.

Shinwon led the way to Mr. Jung's car, having known it so well, and Wooseok whispered to me, "He's a really cool guy. Just wait a bit."

So I waited. We were at Wooseok's apartment, a place I had only once been but whose interior was almost identical to mine. I didn't feel so out of place when Mr. Jung disappeared to hang out with Mom, for Shinwon and Wooseok made me feel accepted.

I felt that way with Yuto, too, when we conversed in Japanese. It was one of the few times I wasn't puzzled about everything happening around me. And that was so refreshing.

"All right, Hyojong, your turn." Wooseok said it. We were playing a game called Aggravation, and Shinwon was very aggravated, though it could have been because he had been gloating about his luck with dice beforehand and was currently losing. I had just learned the objective, so I wasn't much better. It was funny when his voice reached such a high pitch from being aggravated so many times.

I rolled the die and it landed on a five, so my marble landed on top of Shinwon's. He looked ready to kill something when I sent his only active marble home for the second time. "You're too good at this, Hyojong."

"He's right," Wooseok said. "I almost don't want it to be my turn now."

"Maybe we can skip back to Shinwon then," I offered, probably sounding innocent to the two guys who exchanged knowing glances.

"Sure! We wouldn't want Wooseok to lose his marbles or anything," Shinwon submitted smoothly, and I found myself giggling at the remark. (I'd heard some amateur orderlies using that term to describe people when I was in the hospital; after living there for some time, I had the gist of what it meant.)

Shinwon had endured enough losses to suggest we wrap it up and turn on some music. Wooseok fetched his cellphone from some shelf with books and a charger on it and blasted a song that made me frustrated. Where had I heard it before?

"What do you think your folks are talking about?" Shinwon asked, folding his legs. We were sitting in a triangle on the floor. "The naughty-and-nice list?"

"More like the living situation," Wooseok proposed more realistically.  "Or maybe Mr. Kim. Maybe Bomi. Hey, Hyojong, have you seen that cat at all yet?"

I just shook my head, looking between Wooseok and Shinwon. "Should I have?"

"It'd be a miracle if she showed her face to you," Wooseok told me. "She only trusts your mom. Never leaves her bed."

"How did you know that?"

He shrugged. "I've just been to your place enough times with my dad to assume that was how it is."

"It's true. I've never seen a trace of cat in that place," Shinwon chuckled. I screwed my eyes together, folding my arms. I knew earlier in the week I said tiredness was the worst feeling, but I changed my mind now.

"You've been to my home?" I asked snappishly. I couldn't help it. "Are you closer with Mom than I am, too?"

He and Wooseok froze, their four brown eyes growing wider at some unsaid realization. I raised my eyebrows for lack of an explanation.

"Shinwon just comes with me sometimes when I go with my dad," Wooseok blurted, his face turning beet red. I scoffed to myself, looking down at my lap. I could tell Shinwon was embarrassed, too.

"All right, then."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i would say smth about huidawn but thats not relevant anymore

_Hui;_

"No, that isn't a known side effect of the meds I prescribed him," Dr. Kim rather mumbled, holding his clipboard out and studying it with squinting eyes. He was a physician--he should at least have decent eyesight.

"What should I do about it then?" Mom prodded, the frustration evident in her scowling face. "I'm not with him enough to have noticed anything. His best friend told me."

"Who's his best friend?"

"Jung's son," she sighed, grabbing at her temples and pacing.  _Wooseok_. She lowered her voice, but I didn't want to admit that I could still hear her when she said, "Dohyun, I've never been this stressed before."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Hyemi. Before Hyojong's release, I presented several counseling opportunities for you to consider in case this should happen, but given your background of dysmythia, I may have some more promising options. Would you be interested?"

Mom looked between me, in my open-backed gown, and Dr. Kim, and her eyes turned reddish again. "Not now, Dohyun. I'll have my email open, though."

"Very well." The doctor didn't say another word but scribbled continuously on his clipboard.

I was back in the hospital, just for a checkup though. I was told I'd need to come near the end of every month so Dr. Kim and company could keep tabs on my physical state, which I thought was only a little rusty after having been bedridden for so long. Today, a machine took pictures of my brain for Dr. Kim to examine. I didn't like being so enclosed.

To be honest, I didn't have a clue what any of Mom and Dr. Kim's conversation meant for me. What was the side effect Dr. Kim mentioned? What did Wooseok tell Mom? What was dysmythia? Why did it seem like Mom needed more treatment than I did? The hospital was a bad environment for one to be so naive in, I decided. Maybe I should become a doctor. I could be the next-generation Dr. Kim.

"Hyojong, you'll want to listen to this," Dr. Kim said loudly all of a sudden, clicking his pen shut. I kicked my feet out of boredom but listened intently. "Some people have noticed the medicine you're on is making you a little testy. You should get a lot of rest and do whatever you feel would lift your mood. We'll see how that works before tracing back any anger disorders."

"What?"

"Get changed, Dawn," Mom said to me, sniffling a little bit, before Dr. Kim could continue. He left the room promptly. "We're going to go home. Don't mention what you heard Dr. Kim say, okay?"

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked her. "I was confused."

"Just watch some TV when we get home. I'll be working late, but Mr. Kim will be there."

"Okay."

The car ride:  _"Hyojong, we live in Gyeonggi-do. Please remember that."_

It wasn't that difficult to remember. I read a sign on the way back from the hospital that said "Gyeonggi-do" in big white letters. We passed the exit to Wooseok's high school, tens of Ginkgo trees, Jinho's house, the road to Namusairo, and Wooseok's apartment. I wanted to go inside and play Aggravation, but he was probably at school today.

"What should I watch?" I asked when I got inside, but Mom had already turned to go to the flower shop before she could answer me. Whatever.

"Hyojong, is that you?" a man's voice called from some room in the back. Mr. Kim. He showed his face shortly after and smiled warmly at me. I smiled back.

"Hi, Mr. Kim," I bowed. "Dr. Kim says I should relax today."

"Be my guest," Mr. Kim nodded, gesturing at the couch. "I'm going to be here for the rest of the day. Working from home."

"That sounds nice."

I turned on a random channel, then typed 1-0 in the keypad. I wasn't sure why, but then a program I had seen before appeared on the screen. I sat back, folded my legs beneath me, and absorbed several hours of television.

At four o'clock that day, there was a knock at the door. Mr. Kim didn't make any noise or effort to open it before me, so I answered it. Wooseok stood there with Yuto, the baseball player from Japan.

" _Konnichiwa_ ," I bowed.

"Aw, not again," Wooseok groaned. "May we come in?"

I didn't say anything, just stepped aside. Yuto and Wooseok were much taller than me, I realized. Wooseok called for Mr. Kim, and Yuto and I stood awkwardly in the common room. "Hi, Yuto."

"Hi," he said. "Wooseok and I had nothing to do. I hope you don't mind us being here."

"Don't worry about it. I'm not doing anything either."

"Mr. Kim's back there if you want to say hi," Wooseok said, materializing behind me. For such a tall guy, his footsteps were light. "Uh, I've brought Yuto here in the past, too, Hyojong."

"Oh," I said. I gestured at the room Mr. Kim was in, but Yuto shook his head and smiled narrowly. "How was school?"

"It was awful," Wooseok complained. "I had three exams. That never happens."

"Me too," Yuto sighed, "and I have one more tomorrow. I spent lunch period in the library instead of outside on the diamond."

"You probably aced all of them," Wooseok scoffed. "Anyway, how was your day, Hyojong?"

"I went to the hospital." They eyed me up and down, and when they decided I was unscathed, Yuto asked why. "I have monthly checkups. It's something to do with an accident I had, I think."

"Oh, of course," Wooseok observed. "You seem like you're adjusting really well."

"Thank you."

Wooseok and Yuto looked at each other for a moment, and then Wooseok asked, "Are you bored? We have another friend you could meet if you're up to it."

"I'm up for it," I nodded, smiling a little. "I'll go tell Mr. Kim, and then we can go."

Mr. Kim seemed fine with it, though he told Wooseok and Yuto not to play too rough with me before we left, and I blushed. Like they would do that.

"So, who are we going to see?" I asked, finding myself strolling between Yuto and Wooseok while we left the premises. It couldn't have been farther than a walking distance, seeing as Shinwon and Jinho also seemed to live pretty nearby. Yuto probably did, too.

"His name is Hoetaek," Wooseok told me, looking down to see my reaction. I stayed quiet, hoping for more of an impression of this Hoetaek. "He uses the nickname 'Hui' though, so you should call him that. I think you'll like him."

"What's he like?" I asked, kicking a tan-colored leaf as we continued down the paved street.

"Oh, he's so great," Yuto admired right there, and I could imagine him placing his hand over his heart due to his tone of voice, only it seemed like he was too cool and collected to actually do that in public. "He'll boost your mood in two seconds."

"That's a fact, man," Wooseok laughed, reaching over my head to high-five Yuto. I heard their hands smack loudly and gazed down at my feet. "He's really energetic. Might come off a little strong, but not in a bad way, if you get what I mean."

I drew my brows together in confusion. "What's the bad way to come off strong?"

"You know, someone who's in your business," Wooseok simplified. Nevertheless, I was puzzled.

"His house is coming up," Yuto popped up, pointing a finger at one of the houses ahead of us. It wasn't multicolored like all the other ones, but it had white paneling on the sides and otherwise red bricks, like a new, comforting version of Jinho's home. "You've seen it before, right?"

"Sure," I shrugged. "Maybe on the way back from the hospital." I hadn't seen it more than once, and that was if I had even seen it.

"You might notice all my friends live near us," Wooseok commented, and I nodded. Hui's house wasn't very far from our apartment complex. "Actually, Yuto lives in the city, but he drove me home today instead of my dad. There's another guy up there, Yuto's next-door-neighbor, who we're friends with."

"Yeah, his name is Hyunggu, but you'll see him later," Yuto added. Noted.

Next thing I knew, Wooseok knocked on Hui's front door rather lightly, and a guy closer to my height answered. His eyes were narrow due to the width of his grin, I noticed, and that was a pleasant sight. I already felt welcomed by him.

"Hey, Hui," Wooseok said first.

"Hey! Come in, it's cold out," he immediately greeted us, and I followed my taller friends into the house. It was dim inside, which made me shudder uncomfortably, and standing in Wooseok's shade was not helping me. Luckily, Hui turned a light on as soon as we followed him into his kitchen. "Sorry, I don't try to make it so dark in here. What's your name?"

"Hyojong," I said, bowing respectfully. He bowed back. How polite.

"Lee Hoetaek," he returned, "but you can call me Hui if you want. You're new, aren't you? I thought I saw someone like you at school the other day."

"You did," I nodded. He recognized me! "I was just shadowing Wooseok."

" _Was_? You still are. You don't have to be so shy," Hui coaxed, and that was when I realized I was wedged between Wooseok and the doorway. I almost didn't want to walk fully in, as I'd never been there before, but I thought I could warm up to Hui, so I did. Wooseok and Yuto laughed as I stepped forth.

"Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," Hui said. "What's everybody up to?" He, Yuto, and Wooseok filled some of the chairs around a small square table in the middle of the room, and I followed suit. My seat squeaked under my weight.

"We stopped by Hyojong's place and thought it might be nice to introduce you two," Yuto smiled, his flawless teeth showing. He was comfortable with Hui, too, it seemed; I sensed something in Yuto's and Hui's expressions that I couldn't pinpoint but knew was there.

"Aww, I'm glad!" Hui laughed. Already, I could confirm that Wooseok was right about Hui's charisma. "Tell me about yourself, Hyojong."

I didn't know where to start, so I explained that Mom was a florist and Mr. Kim, supposedly her significant other, was working from home today. I mentioned that Mom talked with Wooseok's dad a lot of the time and we had a cat named Bomi. That was all I could tell him, as I didn't know anything else. I was relieved when Hui didn't push for more details but instead told me a little about himself.

He knew Jinho and Shinwon, too, and was rather close with them. They met in the school's choir program. He had a strong talent and liking for singing, and that most likely accounted for his dimensional personality. I thought so, anyway. And if he were to pursue singing, I thought he would be fit for the job--he wasn't awkward or unfit, he had smooth hair, he took care to clean his teeth, and he wore a smile every time I looked in his direction. Sure, he was charming.

At the end of the visit, I derived that I liked Hui nearly as much as I did Wooseok.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one's real cute

Wooseok had the idea to get all of us together. I wasn't sure why, but I wasn't adverse to it because I liked Jinho, Yuto, Shinwon, and Hui so far. He offered to invite a boy named Changgu, too, but he then took it back.

And this time, we weren't going to play some board game or catch up at Namusairo, but we were going to a fair. It seemed a bit absurd to me, but I convinced myself I could go as long as I had taken my pills and I wasn't too tired. After all, Wooseok seemed really excited, and he also seemed a bit too sure that I would love it, as if I'd been there with him before.

I was standing beside Mom, Mr. Jung, and Mr. Kim just outside our apartment building. Wooseok and all of his friends were standing in a row adjacent to us, anticipating me to follow them into Yuto's car in a few minutes. It was chilly outside.

"I'm so glad he's getting out," Mom smiled to Wooseok, her face tilted towards the clouds so she could see him properly. Mr. Kim rubbed her shoulder, and she seemed so relieved. "You're a good kid, Wooseok."

"Thank you, Mrs. Kim," Wooseok bowed. "We're excited. Hyojong will love it there."

"You be good, Dawn," Mom turned to me. I nodded, hugged her briefly, and waved at Mr. Jung and Mr. Kim. "Stay with these guys until you get home. I don't want you getting lost."

"Like we'd lose him," Shinwon joked, scoffing at us. Everyone around me seemed to chuckle at it, so I put on a goofy smile. "Let's go!"

So we went.

The car ride was bumpy and loud, but in an exciting way. Sort of. Yuto was a good enough driver and seemed very focused, so he didn't talk much except to Shinwon who was in the passenger seat. Everyone else was chanting to a song coming out of Wooseok's phone. I had to sit between him and Hui, which wasn't bad, but they were probably the loudest out of everybody there.

"Look, look, there it is!" Jinho said excitedly as we moved alongside a chain-link fence. Everyone's head turned simultaneously, and I saw a gigantic wheel standing upright, the center spokes lighted with blue and white fairy lights. They were faint as of right now, but once the sun set it would be different.

The wheel towered over striped tents, herds of teenagers and little kids, and endless food stands. There were more metal features that I couldn't describe, but they looked like fun.

"You excited, Hyojong?" Wooseok asked me, and I simply nodded without looking at him. The fair was different than I expected.

"You're gonna love it," Yuto said in a sing-song voice that I never thought I'd hear from him. He pulled into a crowded parking lot and smiled at me in the rearview mirror. "They're selling tickets at the gate. We should hurry."

I grabbed Wooseok's shoulder. I don't know why, of course, because I had never felt that instinct before, nor had I ever physically done so before. But I was concerned because I hadn't brought money for a ticket.

"Don't worry,  _hyung_ ," Wooseok murmured to me so that no one could hear. He slipped cash into my palm, and we got out of the car together.

Immediately, the brisk air smelled of something delicious: I would later learn that it was funnel cake, an American snack. We traveled in a pack towards the entrance gate, Wooseok standing by my side, the rest following suit. I bought myself a ticket, and then the adventure began.

"Do you like rides?" Shinwon asked me. "They're a lot of fun."

"I don't know, actually," I shrugged. He flashed an understanding smile and put his hand on my shoulder, using his other hand to point at the closest ride. It seemed rickety and old, and there was a little girl heaving near the fence, so I shuddered. "Shinwon, I can't do that one."

"No, no, listen here. I know all the good rides, and  _that_  is not one of them," Shinwon laughed. "Jinho can second that. Ho!"

The shortest boy around me perked up, followed the direction of Shinwon's hand, and nearly gagged. "Hey, let's not talk about the Twister. I might as well have PTSD."

 _PTSD_. That sounded familiar.

"Hyojong, come this way," Hui said suddenly, powering ahead of all of us. I broke off from Shinwon and appeared at Hui's left side. He was shorter than me by just a little. Wooseok walked up, too, typing rapidly on his phone and smirking at the screen. I noticed Yuto was doing the same thing. And Shinwon. But we walked on anyway.

"I think I know where we're going," Wooseok said a minute later, his phone now away.

"It rhymes with Thunder Bird!" Jinho cheered, practically running in circles around us. He was so excited, and it mirrored his being extraordinarily happy on the day I met him. I grinned.

"What's it called then?" I asked, and Hui turned his face at me weirdly. Yuto hit him in the head from behind us.

"Oh, Jinho was just joking," Hui answered quickly. "It's called the Thunder Bird. It's one of two roller coasters here."

"Are you sure that one's not too intense?" Yuto asked. I was glad he was looking out for me.

"If that's the case, we can use it to gauge all the other rides' intensities," Wooseok suggested playfully, and Yuto went along with it.

The line wasn't that long when we approached, maybe since it was entirely across the fair. I was out of breath when we reached it, so Wooseok assured me we'd be sitting the whole ride. Besides, he said we could stop for refreshments at any time--that seemed promising enough.

"Who's excited?" Hui asked, hitting everyone's shoulders. He was pretty much bouncing. "I know I am!"

"Me too!" Wooseok said. Someone behind me said "Me three!" and the line was cut even shorter. It was our turn to sit in one of those wide, flashy cars, so I swallowed nervously.

"Hey, how fast does it go?" I asked, turning to Jinho because Wooseok had already boarded.

"Pretty fast," Jinho warned me. "It's a good fast though. It's like when you drive over a steep hill and your stomach drops--you know that feeling?"

"Not quite," I frowned. I didn't want my stomach to drop, for that seemed to be the reason the little girl by the Twister was about to vomit. Before I could turn back, Shinwon pushed me ahead so that I could sit in the space next to Wooseok, so I thanked him silently and waited for the others to file in behind us. I turned to Wooseok when a man's voice came on an intercom, and I whispered, "I don't know if I'll like this."

"You'll be fine, man," he said, clapping me on the knee. I nodded, and the cart pushed forward. "Just hold on tight!"

We accelerated. My stomach dropped, as Jinho said it would, and it dropped multiple times into the depths of me, but I liked it. A lot. The speed didn't phase me, just pushed my hair around and moved my small body into both Wooseok's side and the hard wall of our cart. I had a good time on the Thunder Bird, and we rode it again after the sky got dark. All the lights of the other attractions, plus the nightly zephyr, made it so much better than the first time. When we stepped out of that cart the second time through, my head was dizzy, but I couldn't care less.

"Well, it's been established Hyojong is one for roller coasters," Hui commented afterwards. His hair, previously combed over his forehead to perfection, was tousled about, and it no longer covered his hairline.

"Gimme something new," Shinwon snorted, and then he widened his eyes. Wooseok slapped him on the bicep. "Uh, food. Gimme some food."

"Hey, it's nine o'clock," Yuto announced, walking backwards so that he could see all of us as he talked. "You know what that means?"

"Hmm?" I hummed. Yuto looked at me and grinned. I could tell Wooseok, Shinwon, and he were riled up, but I didn't know why.

He looked at me, said in his native tongue, "We're going to play a prank on Jinho in the next place we're going. It's payback--he froze everyone's clothes a few weeks ago."

So, with laughter strung in my voice, I responded, "Well, where are we headed next?" and everyone except Yuto and Wooseok stared at me in awe.

"The Haunted House. Don't tell." All I did was smile and walk along with everyone to the Haunted House.

"Wait, what did he say?" Shinwon asked.

"Just told me about the other rides here," I shrugged, knocking myself into Hui to hide my smile. I had never lied before. Hui seemed to know the truth of it though, so he grinned back at me and we shook with silent laughter.

In less than twenty minutes, poor Jinho was screaming louder than all the little kids there and hiding his face in his jacket sleeves. The Haunted House made me feel more than anxious, not because of the skeleton family sticking out of the walls but because it was pitch black in there except for some artificial candlelight. I had to cling onto Wooseok, and our arms were linked at one point.

Yuto and Shinwon had gone ahead of everyone, and Wooseok, Hui, and I walked straight past them at every corner so that Jinho wouldn't expect it. He yelped every time.

I loved those guys.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the start of an era  
> (( i promise i love his hair ))

[click for a bop](https://youtu.be/vnLAa6_hB9A)

It took weeks to realize, but I wasn't fond of my hair.

It was too dark for my liking and made me look bored. Every time I looked in the bathroom mirror, I saw the expression of a dead sheep. How had I made it this far, met so many people, looking like my head was about to loll backwards and snap off?

When Mom came home one day, I walked out of the bathroom and said hello to her. She seemed to be stressed, but her area of work didn't sound all that stressful in my opinion.

"Hi, Mom," I said. She put her bag down on the table. "How was work?"

"It was fine," she said. "How was home?"

"Fine," I reciprocated.  _How to word it_... "Mom, I want to color my hair."

"Again?" she asked. I furrowed my brows, scratched my temple with confusion. Again?

"I've never dyed it before," I told her. She bit her lip and nodded slowly.

"Must've been Wooseok who told me that, then," said Mom, contemplating. Her face got red. "Did he give you that idea?"

"No, I just don't like how I look," I shrugged. "What color do you think would suit me?"

She shifted her weight onto one leg and studied my appearance. She mumbled, "With your hair getting so much longer... Have you considered blond?"

"No, but I think that would be nice."

"All right, Dawn. I'll talk to Mr. Jung about it. I'm going to get dinner started."

"Why Mr. Jung? Wouldn't Mr. Kim like to know?" I prodded, sitting down at the table as she dug through the refrigerator. "Besides, he lives closer."

"He does," Mom said, "but he's not here as often. Besides, Mr. Jung knows your medical history better than Mr. Kim because Mr. Jung is partners with Dr. Kim."

"Too many Kims."

For what felt like the first time, Mom chuckled. At  _me_. That made me laugh, too, mostly from the fact that I was indeed able to please her to some extent.

"You're a Kim too, you know," she said, her back turned to me as she started lining up her spices. "None of your friends are Kims though."

"That's good. It's hard to keep track of all the Kims."

Mom laughed again, but I relocated to the living room and put  _Friends_  on the TV. I was well into the eighth season now.

During dinner, Mom was on the phone the whole time, so I sat on the couch to eat mine. She frowned upon that, but I had the TV volume turned down for her sake. With my chopsticks in one hand and my phone in the other, I messaged Wooseok about the plan to dye my hair. Soon, it got too complicated to text and eat at the same time, so I asked if he would come over and eat with me. Mom always made extra servings anyway.

He said he'd be there in a second, he had just finished his assignment. He said at one point that his teachers distributed light homework on Thursdays so their Fridays wouldn't be spent grading.

Wooseok let himself inside, and I waved, put my plate down, and beckoned him to the kitchen so I could fix him a plate. "This smells good."

"It is good," I said to him. We went to the couch where my dinner was after Mom flashed a smile at Wooseok from her tedious cellphone conference.

"So," he started, shoving the aromatic  _samgyeopsal_  into his mouth while he spoke. It made me laugh that he didn't care about his table manners, or rather couch manners. "Blond hair? I could see it."

"Tell it to your dad," I retorted. "Mom and Mr. Jung have to okay it before I can do anything."

"Naturally," Wooseok shrugged. A piece of pork slipped from his mouth, but it landed back on his plate. "I think our parents are just as good colleagues as we are friends."

I'd never considered the term  _parents_  before. I didn't think of Mom as my mother at first, but she was getting there. Just every time one of my friends proved he knew Mom better than I did, I felt like some beggar taking up space in her apartment.

"Mom doesn't work with Mr. Jung and Dr. Kim, does she?" I asked, shaking the thoughts out of my head.

"Well, no, not necessarily," Wooseok denied. "It's just that they usually get together to talk about professional things, you know?"

I looked over at her. She had her elbows on the table, and she was feeding herself small portions of the  _samgyeopsal_  while talking tiredly into her phone. The hanging overhead lights swung to and fro (because the people upstairs walked heavily sometimes), and they were just bright enough to make the living room dim like a theater before the program starts.

"Is she on the phone with him now?" I questioned softly, placing my chopsticks on the plate and studying Mom.

Wooseok nodded slowly, watching her too; I think we agreed that she was a strong person. My reasons were more instinctive, for I didn't have a clue what feats she had accomplished, but Wooseok  _knew_  she could bear all sorts of stress. I picked up the last of my dinner and chewed it carefully.

"How'd you like the food?" I asked suddenly. Boredom.

"It's delicious," Wooseok praised, and I nodded. "My dad can't cook. We get a lot of takeout."

"Is that why Mom likes it when you come over for dinner?" I wondered aloud. "So you get something healthy to eat?"

"Probably. She's kinda like my mom was." I looked at Wooseok alertly, feeling my heart stop. What happened to his mom? He must have read my mind, for he murmured, "She had a terrible accident around three years ago. If you don't mind, I don't like to talk about it."

I just nodded. Suddenly I understood why Wooseok was so close with Mom and why she enjoyed his company so much. I wouldn't dare to be jealous of their relationship ever again.

\- 천천히 -

Later in the evening, after Wooseok had gone home, I tried sleeping without a light on in my room. The hall light was on, of course, and I'd done so well at the fair when the sun set, so maybe I could do this.

Except this hurdle was one I ran around as opposed to leaping over. I wasn't even tired, so much as hanging off the edge of my mattress in the event that something creepy came to my bedside and batted its eye at me. It was twelve minutes past midnight when I turned on my lamp and crashed from utter exhaustion.

I'd been sleeping better lately than I did on my first night here. Let's see... that would have been fourteen days ago.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he's a strong independent woman

_Hongseok_ ;

My hair was down past my eyes now. It looked good, it just wasn't the right color. I was anxious to change it, but I had to wait until the New Year passed--that's what Mr. Jung said at least, and Mom went along with it. They said it would be something of a New Year's Resolution. Today was December 23.

Since everyone had fewer homework assignments to complete over the past few days, I went over to Hui's house, then Wooseok's apartment, then Shinwon's workplace, and then I invited Jinho and Yuto over to my place. It was all separate, of course, so I had a good time bonding with them. Now, I had a day to myself.

"Mr. Kim," I said abruptly as I walked sleepily out of bed. I wasn't yet in the hallway, but I spoke to Mr. Kim as if he were in the room with me. The snow on the ground illuminated my bedroom walls, and with the natural light that seeped in, I had slept especially peacefully.

I ventured out and found that Mr. Kim was sitting at the table next to Mom, a mug of coffee in his hand and a furry white thing on his lap. It sprouted legs and darted past my ankles when I showed my face, and then it was gone. I had never jumped higher in my life.

"Dawn, that was Bomi," Mom smiled. "She's awfully shy."

"Bomi?" I asked. I forgot we had a cat. "She scared me."

"You scared her, too," Mr. Kim told me, and I had a laugh. Like I could scare anyone, much less an animal. "Did you need something?"

"Actually," I started, standing at the head of the table where Mom and Mr. Kim could both see me, "I think I want to go out today--by myself."

"By yourself?" Mom asked, putting her own mug of coffee down with a clatter. I grimaced. "Dawn, you're only eighteen."

I shrugged. "So are all my friends. They've been out alone before."

Mr. Kim put his hand on Mom's shoulder, whispered something inaudibly, and then Mom shook her head in disapproval.

"Sorry, Dawn," Mr. Kim said. I slumped. "Your mom is just worried about you, that's all. But I think it'd be great for you to get out. You have a cellphone, right?"

I smiled, my teeth showing too. Out of respect, I bowed at the clement man. "Thank you, Mr. Kim." Then, I scrambled down the hall in the same manner that Bomi did and started digging through my dresser. Maybe if I looked hard enough, I could find something other than sweatpants, for it was worse than freezing out.

And in the back of my top drawer, a cluster of metal objects clinked together noisily. I was only searching for socks at that point, but now I was intrigued.

Rings.

One at a time, I slipped them around the fingers on either of my hands. They were loose on me the first time I put them on, tight the second, and then when I rearranged them for a third time, they felt one with my hands. I gazed down in awe at my calloused fingers and rotated my hands, admiring how the light reflected off the three silver bands. It generally wasn't extraordinary to find jewelry, but the condition of my brain made it feel like finding a hidden treasure chest. Would I ever realize why these rings seemed so significant to me?

They didn't feel uncomfortable or cold. They felt like part of me. I bet I wore these rings every day.

When I walked out, fully dressed in jeans, a pullover sweatshirt, and the rings, I scurried past Mom and Mr. Kim in the event that they would hail me and ask why I was wearing something so drastically different than all the other days. The jeans were thicker than my cotton joggers, though, so that felt reason enough to me. I shouted a farewell and double-checked my pockets for my phone. There it was, nestled against the side of my thigh.

Where to go? Where to go? I should have planned ahead of time. I'd been around this neighborhood many times with my friends, but not even once had I considered exploring it by myself. The first thing that occurred to me was that I'd never been in the shopping center, except for the times I went to see Shinwon at Namusairo. There were at least four other places there that might catch my eye.

It was a tiring walk. My calves had gotten tighter over the few weeks I'd lived outside the hospital, but my lung capacity did not improve, so I was breathing heavily by the time I arrived at the automatic doors of a convenience store. The thin air froze my throat with each inhalation. There was not a bench in sight--just an electronic cart, it seemed.

"Welcome!" someone hollered from within when I took my first steps inside. I gazed around and saw the voice coming from behind a counter covered in advertisements; the old lady there waved at me, so I returned it. I kept walking aimlessly, my general direction in which that counter was not.

On either side of me, there were tall racks of miscellaneous items like toilet paper, magazines, hand sanitizer, and Pocky. There were a ton of flavors that seemed delicious to me, but I hadn't brought money.

As I kept walking, I ran into a pair of young girls who seemed to be the gossip center of Gyeonggi-do. They were talking about someone named Hyunji and how bad she looked on "picture day" the past week. I tried to get past them without eavesdropping, but I was cackling to myself by the time I rounded the corner of that particular aisle, which sold different air fresheners and car fragrances.

"Are you Kim Hyojong?" a soft voice behind me asked. I was in the middle of an aisle, facing a couple of wall freezers that had dairy products in them. When I whirled around, I was surprised to see a boy my age.

"Yes," I told him, eyeing him curiously. He had lighter brown hair, like Jinho's and Hui's. It suited him, though his curly bangs covered his down-turned eyes. He wore an amiable smile that exposed misaligned front teeth, and he walked up to me from across the store. "How did you know?"

"I'm friends with Wooseok," he said firstly, "and he talks about you a lot during school. I'd just never seen you before, and you seemed to fit his description from behind."

"Oh." I was relieved, but I didn't show it. "What's your name?"

"Sorry! I'm so rude! It's Yang Hongseok." He bowed and stayed low for a couple of seconds, so I bowed back, hoping he would be less fanatic soon. "So, do you need help finding anything? I'm an employee here."

I glanced down at the plain black polo shirt Hongseok donned, and it now made sense why he sought me out. I was his customer. All things considered, I began to wonder if he was friends with Shinwon--a friend of Wooseok's who happened to work in this shopping center. "I'm just looking."

"Oh, okay." He seemed disappointed.

"When's your break?" I asked. That was something Shinwon taught me about: hours, pay, breaks. I could get to know Hongseok more if I caught him during his break.

"Well, since I've been here since last night, I'll just be leaving soon," he shrugged. My eyes probably fell out of my head, they were so wide.

"You slept here?" I gawked. "Where's your room? I didn't know that was possible."

He chuckled, coming up beside me. "No, I had to pull an all-nighter so I could set up holiday sale signs."

I looked around me. No one was here, except those two girls and the lady at the counter. "Nobody shops at convenience stores for Christmas."

"Which is why I hate my job," he whispered. I laughed, but I couldn't help but feel bad for him. "I have twenty minutes left, actually. Why were you asking about my break?"

"I was going to ask if you wanted to talk for a while--maybe Wooseok would have introduced us at some point--but I suppose you should go home and get sleep."

Hongseok scoffed at me playfully, "Sleep is for the weak. Ever been to Namusairo?"

"Yeah, my friend works there. I go see him sometimes."

"Great! Will you meet me there in twenty minutes then?"

Our smiles were growing. It was as if we'd just witnessed a magic trick and were becoming gradually more impressed, for the coincidence of our encounter was unreal. I just nodded excitedly, and we split our separate ways, though we were less than a hundred feet apart by the time I entered the cafe. Shinwon was there, and he perked upon my entrance. His smile was very welcoming.

"Hey, Jong!" he said. That was the first time anyone had ever called me that, but I waved regardless of the surprise.

"Hey, Shinwon. Hongseok will be here in twenty minutes."

"Hongseok? I didn't know you knew him," Shinwon remarked, looking suspicious. "Did he go to the fair with us?"

"No, I just met him at the convenience store!"

\- 천천히 -

It was snowing when Hongseok, Shinwon, and I strolled out of Namusairo. We all had piping hot chocolate from the cafe warming our hands, and we climbed into Shinwon's car. I didn't tell Mom I was going to Shinwon's house, but I knew she would approve either way. He drove towards and then past the apartment complex, heading a direction in which I hadn't yet traveled. Wooseok told me at one point that he lived nearby though.

The car's vents blew torrid air in my face, which would dry my skin later on, but I was thankful in the moment because the rest of my body was cold. There was a Christmas carol playing softly on the radio, and Hongseok, Shinwon, and I could not be more pleased. This was exactly how I felt when I met Wooseok and later Hui, and while I normally would not drive in a car with someone who was only an acquaintance, I didn't feel that Hongseok was just an acquaintance.

He felt close to me, and very familiar.

 


	10. Chapter 10

\- 천천히 -

My heart pounded mercilessly against the ribs enclosing it. Maybe if someone were to place his ear against my chest, he'd hear my heartbeat. It was all I could hear, anyway.

Everyone stood silently in a half-circle behind me, anticipating. I couldn't breath. Beneath my feet, the sandy cliff was crumbling, so I stepped back. My friends all seemed to gasp, as if any sudden movement of mine meant I had done the deed.

"Gimme a countdown," I said shakily, clenching my fists; the metal of my rings glinted under the sun, nearly burned my fingers. I walked backwards till my back touched Hongseok's chest. I could get a running start, I bet.

Changgu's white smile resurfaced--he must have just thought I was chickening out--and he pumped an open hand in the air excitedly, the droplets of muddy water splashing onto my shoulder. I bit my lip and made eye contact with everyone, except Hongseok of course, before their happy voices erupted.

_"Three..."_

I dashed forward prematurely and vaulted off the cliff. The breeze around me blew my unkempt blond hair in my eyes, and I felt the pulsating of my heart speed up. God, it was hot out. The water was so far.

Distantly, I heard the anxious "Dawn!" from my herd of friends left at the top. A couple of them in the sea below me looked alarmed. I shut my eyes.

Before I closed my eyes, I had seen the shore. It was very rocky. Thud.

\- 천천히 -

Morning came with a jolt. It was still dark, so maybe it wasn't really morning, but it felt like it. There was no way I was going back to sleep.

Why did everything hurt so much? I experienced a cramp in my hand, and the pain was climbing up my wrist, into my shoulder. I sat up with a surge of fright and tried unclenching my fist. It wouldn't budge, and my entire arm felt resistant to the rest of my body.

Before I could contain myself, tears pricked my eyes. The rings pinched the skin in my palm until my fist released, and I stared at them through the lamplight. I remembered seeing these rings in my dream. I remembered my dream.

No, it wasn't a dream. Wooseok was there. Every time I looked at someone's face, there was a name assigned to it, but now I couldn't even begin to recall who was who. That meant something to me. It definitely happened before.

Disconcerted, I rocked back and forth and sat cross-legged atop the mattress, stretching my wrist. Dr. Kim taught me to do that when I had hand cramps at the hospital; they happened even after physical therapy ended. Of course, the cramps were spontaneous then, but now I knew why, and it was unsettling. The tears kept falling, and I didn't feel like wiping them, lest my arm start to hurt again.

There was a soft knock at the door, and I accidentally sobbed from the surprise. Mom walked in shortly thereafter, her eyebrows drawn together with worry.

"Dawn," she whispered, kneeling down beside my bed. She placed one hand on my knee, the other against my forehead briefly.  _Dawn_.

"Who started Dawn?" I asked, my voice cracking. It had occurred to me that the nickname was widely known.

"Who started it?" she repeated. "I did, honey."

"Tell me the truth," I demanded desperately: "who started calling me Dawn?"

Her eyes were widened, but soon they blurred out of sight because the tears were accumulating. Softly, Mom whispered, "You started it. You always liked it."

That was all it took for the sobs to continue. I buried my face in my white T-shirt sleeve and clenched my teeth hard, trying to suppress any noise in case Mom didn't like it.

"Dawn, what happened?" she prodded, squeezing my knee. I peeked at her through puffy eyes, then wrenched all the rings off my fingers so they formed a metallic puddle in my lap. My wrist, my arm, was still recovering. Mom seemed to notice that I was in pain, and she took hold of my hand and bent it so my muscles weren't so taut. She, as well as Mr. Jung, was there when Dr. Kim taught me. "Honey, you're so tense. Is everything all right?"

"I jumped off a cliff," I wept. Mom gasped, as all those people had before I took my running leap, and stood up fast. I must have said something that startled her, for I didn't see her for the rest of the morning even though she had the day off.

It took me especially long to get out of bed. I didn't like the idea of carrying on with my day; usually, when my dreams were as bad as that, I would forget them. But I cannot stress how much this  _wasn't_  a dream. It was more of a memory, which Mom didn't deny when I said I went cliff-diving.

Finally, my feet touched the floor. It was cold, even through my socks. I ventured into the bathroom and stretched again, peering at myself in the mirror. The whites of my eyes turned red from crying, and my mouth seemed small--maybe it always was this size though. My hair was still too dark.

I brushed my teeth and undressed so that I could take a shower. My pajamas lay in a heap on the floor, so messily. I crouched and folded them before turning the water on, but when I stood back up, something caught my eye.

At the base of my neck, directly above the middle of my shoulder blades, was a small black cross. It was damaged though, a whitish scar zigzagging through the middle of the otherwise solid bar. I stared in shock, touched it with the tips of my fingers, and skimmed the rest of my back for more surprise tattoos. I was glad to find it was the only one. My skin on the cross was rough where the scar interrupted, but otherwise, the corners were clean and the image was pristine.

The entirety of my morning shower was spent with a chilling sound trespassing my mind, coming out my ears like it had been burrowed in my brain and decided it was leaving now, and that sound was the most horrifying question I could imagine: who am I?


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fa la la la la la la la la (leave kudos if u read it in the right tone)

"Merry Christmas!"

The voice was jolly and welcoming, much unlike any noise I'd ever woken up to. Already, the day was happy.

I followed Mr. Kim, my surprise alarm clock, to the common room, where Mom stood facing the stove, and the TV was playing an American film caleld  _The Family Stone_. I'd seen it once before due to the Christmas countdown on this channel.

"Merry Christmas, Mom," I yawned. She whirled around and smiled, waving at me.

"Merry Christmas!"

There was a gigantic silver-themed evergreen in the corner of the living room, standing between the couch and the wall--it wasn't there yesterday. By gigantic, I mean it must have been taller than Wooseok, for the angel ornament sitting on top of it touched the ceiling. The tree covered a couple inches of the window, through which I noticed snow had accumulated overnight. Under its faux branches was a skirt of lace and red fabric, as well as three small boxes with patterned bows big enough to compensate for whatever might be inside them.

"Open your gift," Mom insisted, stepping away from the stove. She had evidently just finished preparing  _kimbap_  for us to have for breakfast.

Upon glancing at the boxes a second time, my instincts told me mine contained money, and they were correct. It was enough to by myself some clothes or accessories, I estimated. I thanked Mom and Mr. Kim and sat down for breakfast. As always, it was delicious.

"Hyojong, we are going to church soon," Mr. Kim said to me as he finished up, "to celebrate Christmas. The Jo family will be there, but we don't have any more Christian friends."

"Why not?" I wondered, playing with my hair.

It was simply that "some of the people in this country are Buddhists," so I didn't ask Mr. Kim any more questions. Instead, he and Mom discussed an itinerary for the day, including the massive church service featuring Jinho and his parents, a shopping trip to last the rest of the day, dinner at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and the drive to Seoul City in the evening so we could see the Christmas decorations hanging everywhere. Mom said I could invite a friend if I so wanted.

"Now go get dressed so that we can leave," Mr. Kim said.

"What should I wear?" Church sounded fancy.

"Hyemi?" Mr. Kim mumbled helplessly, and she laughed, standing up with me and pointing in the direction of my bedroom. Mr. Kim took our plates off the table and began to scrub them while Mom and I left.

"Church is somewhere you want to look presentable," Mom explained to me. Her voice had emotion in it; she didn't seem as robotic as she did when we met. I liked it, and I smiled at the thought, which may have misled her into thinking I was excited to dress up. "We don't go often like many families do, but Christmas is different."

"I don't think I have any nice clothing," I frowned as she opened my drawer of cotton sweatpants.

"Nonsense." She walked out of my room, remained absent for a solid minute, and returned with some khaki pants, a pale blue button-up shirt that I was to tuck in, and a navy blue necktie. I thought back to the day I shadowed Wooseok, in November, on which similar clothes magically came into my possession. Did she run a private boutique or something?

"Thank you," I chuckled, seeing how proud she was to be able to dress me in such a way. Wooseok never dressed nicely, though I doubt Mr. Jung could do a thing about it if he tried; whenever I hung out with Wooseok after school, he would first have to change into jeans or shorts and always carried a spare T-shirt for himself. Also, Shinwon was almost always wearing a cardigan or a Henley while at work, and he too seemed uncomfortable in the school uniform. So Mom must have been happy to see me wearing what she gave me.

"Dress quickly, okay? We want to be there on time and say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Jo before the service, and we have a long day ahead of us."

I nodded, changed, and followed Mom and Mr. Kim to the Prius outside. My shoes were coated with snow crystals by the time I got inside the vehicle and left wet footprints on the floor.

\- 천천히 -

It was six o'clock when the sun went down that day, but nine o'clock when we finally got into the city because so many more Christian families were taking advantage of this day of decoration. I had no idea we existed in such numbers.

We'd driven to Seoul, Mr. Jung and Wooseok carpooling, and were all having clashing conversations. Mr. Kim and Mr. Jung were engaged in a playful argument regarding the location of the  _best_  Christmas lights, Mom was humming and staring out the window and occasionally joined in, and Wooseok and I were chatting lightheartedly in the back of the car without them.

I had invited him to come to Seoul City with us through text. After he spent the morning complaining about how lovey-dovey Yuto and some girl had acted during the day, I figured Wooseok deserved to come along despite his being Buddhist. Once his complaints got through to me, I realized Mom and Mr. Kim had been rather close during the shopping trip, too, and I didn't want to disturb them. Jinho distracted me during church, so I didn't notice anything between his parents, but I wouldn't be surprised to know if they spent the rest of the day devoted to each other. Christmas was apparently very romantic. Wooseok offered to hold hands with me, but I declined.

"Would you like to walk around or would you rather I drive us through the streets?" Mr. Kim asked, as he had chauffeured all of us to the city in the first place. One look at the snow outside, and Mom begged him to keep driving. I agreed since my khakis provided no insulation.

"I'd rather not walk," Wooseok said after Mom and I had put forth our shared opinion.

"Lazy," Mr. Jung commented, playfully reaching back to nudge Wooseok's upper arm, and I laughed at them. "Poor Wooseok will freeze to death if he goes  _outside_."

"Dad!" Wooseok was laughing.

Soon, the chatter dialed down, and all that was seen in every which way were fluorescent lights of flashy red, green, and blue. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Wooseok taking pictures of them on his phone and sending them to his friends in an enormous group chat. Through the window, there was a Santa Claus model that was illuminated inside a toy store, and displayed behind it were some gift boxes and sale signs. Trees were wrapped from root to branch with lights, and even two of them on the same block had ornaments hanging down, jingling in the nighttime wind. The snow was hard to look directly at because it reflected all the string lights. I saw many couples strolling hand-in-hand along the sidewalks with hot chocolate, scarves, and puffy winter coats, and friends who pushed each other into building walls and bought each other sweets were around every corner. The car advanced very slowly due to all the other drivers ahead of us, whose passengers were also observing the gleaming Christmas lights, but our speed didn't matter to me or anyone. It was beautiful.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey hey you you i dont like ur girlfriend

_Hyunggu_ ;

I decided to tell Wooseok everything that happened those two days before the holiday. It was now New Year's Eve, and I didn't want to start the year with a burden over my head.

Earlier in the day, I went to my monthly appointment--I learned of nothing new. Now, none of the holiday festivities had begun, but I was at Wooseok's apartment, and we were going to walk to Shinwon's place for a party in a couple of hours. We had time to spare and were reflecting on our year; for me, that year was only a little over a month, though it felt like I'd gained a lifetime of knowledge and built more relationships than I could count.

"It feels like I've known you my whole life," I remarked silently, drumming my fingers on my stomach, as we were lying on our backs on the shag rug in his living room.

"It does," Wooseok chuckled, looking sideways at me. "That's not all that surprising, all things considered."

"True," I said. It seemed he and I were past the stage in which I couldn't talk about my accident, so we constantly referred to it like so. Then, my brows furrowed due to a sudden thought: "Speaking of which, I had a nightmare a few days ago."

He looked concerned now. "When?"

"Before Christmas."

"What happened in it?"

I drew in a breath. "You, me, and apparently some of our friends were at the top of this cliff," I summed up, "and it was my turn to jump, and I injured myself on the beach."

His breath hitched, and his eyes were wide. It was hard to tell since we were on the floor, but something I said had alarmed Wooseok as if it were his own nightmare and not mine. He spoke in a low, unsteady voice: "And then what?"

"I don't know who, but someone in the water yelled my name, and everyone at the top was yelling it too, and then I woke up and had a cramp in my arm." It almost hurt to think about.

"My God," Wooseok murmured. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"I'm okay now," I assured him, turning on my side and propping up on my elbow. "I wanted to tell you so that I could forget about it in the New Year, and it wouldn't be some dark secret I needed to get out."

"That makes sense," he commented. "Thanks for trusting me with that. It means a lot."

"Of course I trust you."

We sat up, hugged, and then snacked on the leftover  _kimchi_  from Wooseok's breakfast that morning. It wasn't time to go yet, so I suggested we watch some TV until then. He put an episode of  _Friends_  on just as Mr. Jung came back from his errands. He was carrying three grocery bags.

"Hi, Hyojong," he said to me, waving a finger as it was all he could lift. He cleared his throat, but it didn't help his gruff voice. I waved at him from my seat on the sofa. "I understand you're going to a New Year's party with Wooseok, right?"

"Yes, sir," I nodded. Wooseok turned the volume down on the TV.

"I know you've gotten more and more independent since leaving the hospital, but please take this advice," he started, and then Wooseok glanced up at his father, knowing he would be the one most responsible for me. "Only drink water when you're there. I trust Shinwon won't offer you anything else, but with the medicine you're on, you cannot consume any alcohol."

"Okay," I nodded. Dr. Kim told me that one time.

"Also, as you'll be staying awake past midnight, please consider spending tomorrow in bed," he added.

I nodded once more, and he walked off, and Wooseok whispered, "That one wasn't a professional suggestion. He said the same thing to me."

"All right, then," I laughed.

\- 천천히 -

Shinwon's house was nearly empty. We were early.

Inside, Shinwon, Yuto, and a boy unbeknownst to me were talking at the table. Wooseok knocked on the threshold to the kitchen, gathering everybody's attention. They turned their heads, all excited to see us standing there.

"Hey!" Shinwon exclaimed, standing up from his seat to greet us. He turned so I could see the other two guests, and Yuto waved happily. The other boy sat with an excited grin. "Hyojong, this is Hyunggu. Hyunggu, Hyojong."

I bowed towards him respectfully, and in doing so, I saw he was wearing striped Adidas sneakers and tight jeans. Stylish. "Hi."

"Hey," said Hyunggu, bowing at me as well, and standing up to hug Wooseok.

"Did you two carpool?" Wooseok asked, pointing at Yuto and Hyunggu with both index fingers. I remembered someone had told me they were next-door neighbors.

"Yeah," Hyunggu said, pumping a fist into the air. "Eco-friendly!"

"Amazing," Shinwon complimented, shaking his head and clapping very slowly. His sarcastic manner made Wooseok and me laugh. "While you two were saving the environment, I got a text from Changgu. He said he's not feeling well enough to show up."

"Poor Gu," Hyunggu frowned. I noticed that his expression had changed with every new thing Shinwon mentioned, leading me to believe he had a lot of energy.

"It'll be his second URI in two months. He's going to the ER."

"The ER?" I broke in, concerned. "It's that serious?"

"Do you know what a URI is?" Wooseok asked. I shook my head. "Well, he's having difficulty breathing and is constantly sick. You might not get to meet him for a while."

I just nodded, waiting for someone to change the subject. Luckily, the doorbell rang, but before Shinwon could get to it, Hui strutted inside. He was carrying a bunch of snacks in a bag.

"Hui!" I said. It was an accidental outburst, but I was glad to see him.

"Hey, Hyojong," he smiled, his eyes narrowing down to chinks. Shinwon took the bag of provisions and lined everything up on the counter, where bottles of soda and  _soju_  were laid out. "Am I early?"

"Yeah, somewhat," Hyunggu shrugged, as Shinwon was busy. "None of the girls are here yet."

"Damn!" Hui complained.

Wooseok sighed, too. "Who's coming?"

"Hana," Yuto answered immediately. "I couldn't pick her up."

"Is Hana who you spent Christmas with?" I asked, smirking as I remembered Wooseok's complaints about their closeness. Yuto blushed but nodded anyway.

Shinwon, who was still busy with the food, continued, "Soojung, Yeona, Baekhee... the list goes on."

I sat down beside Hyunggu and engaged in conversation long enough not to notice there were probably thirty other people present after just half an hour had passed. Shinwon moved to the living room, where I also saw Hongseok, Jinho, and swarms of strangers. Yuto was clinging onto the side of a girl who was equally as clingy--she must have been Hana. And I noticed nearly everybody at the party was wearing New Year's merchandise.

"Have you ever been to a party?" Hyunggu asked, noticing how I gazed into the living room at all the dancers and game-players. Shinwon hosted a good party, it seemed.

"No," I shook my head, looking back at my new friend.

"They're really exciting, if you couldn't tell," he chuckled. "Sitting here is probably boring you to death. Wanna dance?"

"I can't dance," I said.

"I didn't ask if you knew choreography," Hyunggu laughed, standing up. "Just dance. There's music."

I followed him into the living room regardless of my contradicting instinct, but it turned out to be a lot of fun. There was a loud stereo which could be heard from all corners of the house, and because nobody was upstairs, the living room and kitchen were filled to the brim with Shinwon's guests. The TV was also on and showed a program taking place in New York City. I couldn't understand what the hosts were saying.

At ten o'clock, Wooseok came up behind Hyunggu and me, seeming very hyper, and thrust some oddly-shaped sunglasses in my face. I put them on so he'd be satisfied. Half an hour later, Hyunggu had a circle formed around him and was breakdancing a solo that looked extremely difficult and planned. I grinned when he made eye contact with me, for he was really talented. Then, at eleven o'clock, someone had nearly broken a lamp, but I learned that that someone had been Shinwon himself, so I didn't worry much for the house's well-being. The music grew louder, the food less plentiful, and I more entertained. I had to find Wooseok before the clock struck midnight.

He was in the kitchen with two girls facing him, and they were all drinking pink  _soju_. I approached hesitantly in case he was busy, but he beckoned me over to him when he acknowledged me.

"Hey, Hyojong," he said, lifting his tiny glass. "This is Jaehwa and Eun." They giggled at me.

"It's almost midnight," I told him, peering over the rim of my sunglasses.

"Oh, thanks for reminding me!"

"What's your resolution, Hyojong?" the girl with shoulder-length navy blue hair, Eun, asked me. She had a septum piercing and wore a turtleneck tucked into her black jeans.

"My resolution?" I repeated, unsure what to say officially to these strangers. She and Jaehwa smiled expectantly, so I blurted, "Exercise." Wooseok started cackling.

"You're going to dye your hair, aren't you?" he asked once he had calmed down. I nodded. "There you go. He'll look hot next year."

"I bet he will," Eun commented, deliberately bumping into me when she pulled Jaehwa away by the hand, far from Wooseok and me. I widened my eyes at my tall friend and silently begged him for an explanation.

"I never knew she was flirty," Wooseok laughed, and I joined. "Maybe you'll have a girlfriend next year, too."

"Will not."

We transitioned into the living room and fought to stand in front of the TV, where a gigantic metal ball swathed in fairy lights was about to drop to signify the arrival of the new year. That's what Hui told me anyway, for I was standing among my closest friends, including Hyunggu. With five seconds to spare, I stood on my toes and kissed Wooseok on the cheek. Happy New Year.

-

a/n

Choi Yujin as Eun  
Park Jeonghwa as Jaehwa

thanks for reading! how do u like the story so far?


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i regret not making a character out of hyuna

It stung for a long time. Chemical burns, I think.

Today, the second day of the New Year, I sat in an adjustable leather chair at Mom's hair salon. She came with me to tell the hairdresser what I wanted, and I asked Hui to tag along. His hair was lighter than natural so I knew he had experience.

"Hui, what if I look bad?" I asked, spinning my chair around. The agent was already in my hair, and I couldn't simply ask the hairdresser to wash it out.

"Come on, don't say that," Hui assured me, adjusting the cape that was coming loose around my neck so that it wouldn't expose my shirt. "Blond is your color. Your mom would agree."

I looked over at Mom, who was sitting on a chair in the waiting room, completely absorbed in a magazine. She was the one who told me blond would look good, so I shrugged at Hui.

"I wish I could've seen it on myself before committing," I sighed helplessly. "I wonder if Wooseok will hate it."

"Why would Wooseok hate it?" he snorted, turning my chair around so I could look in the mirror. He put his hands on my shoulders. "He looks up to you, you know."

"Thanks, but he doesn't," I chuckled, shaking my head. "Whatever. My hair grows fast anyway."

"Lighten up, Jong!" Hui added in a sing-song voice, doing jazz-hands in the mirror and making a face. It made me laugh even harder; I couldn't concentrate on the burning sensation when Hui was there.

The time came quickly when my hairdresser returned to me, rinsed the agent out of my hair, and toned it. It was lighter than I anticipated, but not totally repulsive. Very shiny. The hairdresser and Hui both looked very proud, so Mom came over, and her eyes looked red. She bought me a revitalizing product on our way out. The process was over in a second.

"You look handsome, Dawn," she said with a smile, looking down as she forked through her wallet, finding a slot for the receipt. It was cold outside. Hui went to his own car.

"Thanks for letting me dye it," I said. She still didn't look up. "You good?" (Wooseok taught me that phrase.)

"Please, Dawn, speak properly," she mumbled. Oops. "It's just the New Year feel, that's all. I'm fine."

"Are you emotional?" I asked. "Lots of people at the party were crying at midnight."

"Were they?" Mom continued. We got into her car, and she waited for the heat to turn on before driving back home. "Yeah, you could say that."

It was silent for the rest of the ride, and Mom still wouldn't look at me. No matter what, I couldn't think of any reason why, except that it might have something to do with the "dysmythia" that Dr. Kim reminded her of during my November appointment. Maybe it was a disorder that caused her eyes to hurt.

At home, Mom prepared to leave for work, but I pulled a chair from the kitchen into the bathroom and sat before the mirror. I had to stare for a while in order to get used to it. I took my phone with me, too, and texted Wooseok the news, but he insisted on FaceTiming me. I didn't know that was a feature on my phone.

"Hey, hot stuff," Wooseok grinned. I could see his face just as well as I could hear his voice. Weird.

"Don't call me that," I demanded, but I was smiling nevertheless. "Do you like my hair?"

"Of course, man! You look more like yourself," he admired, and I saw his eyes moving about the screen. He must have been in shock or something, or else he wouldn't have been staring so intently.

"Thank you."

"You wanna hang out? I'd love to see you in person," he added. I just nodded, and we made plans to meet up in the hallway. I hung up and jumped when I saw my face again in the mirror.

Mr. Kim walked past the bathroom with a laptop balanced on one arm and a mug of tea in the opposite hand; he paused when he looked in and saw me sitting cross-legged on a chair in front of the mirror. "Hyojong?"

"Yes, sir?"

"What are you doing?" He began to laugh and turned to face me.

"I was looking at my hair, but then Wooseok called me," I explained. "Do you want the chair back?"

He shook his head in confusion. "No, that's fine--I wasn't seeking it out."

"Oh. I'm gonna go hang out with Wooseok."

"All right, I'll be catching up on work then. Oh--I'm flying out on a business trip tonight and won't be back for a couple of days."

I put the chair back in the kitchen anyway and left soundlessly, brushing my left fingers through my hair and feeling it fall lightly on the crown of my head. I could get used to this, as it didn't feel any different physically, but I was suddenly very self-aware as I maneuvered through the hall. Wooseok was around the corner, leaning on the wall with his phone in hand.

"Hey," I greeted. He looked up from the screen. "What do you want to do?"

"You remember those girls from the party, Eun and Jaehwa?" he asked. His ovoid face was alight with a smile. I nodded, and then he smirked suggestively, but I knitted my brows together because I didn't see how they were relevant. "Would you be interested in hanging out with them today? We don't have to, of course."

"That could be fun," I considered, sticking my hands deep in my pockets and tilting my head. "Where are they?"

"Oh, just at the park." Wooseok had hope in his eyes when he said persuasively, "You know, Eun probably has a crush on you."

"A crush?"

"You'll see."

\- 천천히 -

We'd spent the entire afternoon and evening at the park with Jaehwa and Eun. Unlike me, they looked the same as they did the last time we met. But that didn't make much of a difference because Eun was pretty, and we both had colored hair. That was a relief because I didn't feel like the focal point anymore.

"We met in biology, actually," Wooseok informed me, leaning backwards in his swing to propel himself forward. Having such long legs and sitting on such a small piece of plastic was not a good pairing, I observed.

"Oh, yeah! And then Jaehwa transferred into our class a few weeks later," Eun continued emphatically, grabbing the other girl's shoulder as if to demonstrate which figure in our conversation represented Jaehwa. "You would like our biology class--I'm not sure how much you got to see on the day you shadowed Wooseok. There are a bunch of his friends in it."

"There are," he confirmed. "Hey, when are you coming to school, Hyojong?"

I raised my brows. "Actually, I haven't thought about school for a while."

"Well? It'd be great to see you soon," Jaehwa told me, almost convincing me to start within the minute.

"I mean," I started, "I think I could handle it. I've had a long enough break, don't you think?"

"Yes! Exactly!" Wooseok grinned, clapping his hands together. "You want me to tell my dad?"

Eun and Jaehwa looked at us weirdly after that statement, so Wooseok shook his head at them dismissively, and I just shrugged. "Yeah, I guess he should know first."

"That's so great, man," Wooseok said. He was bouncing with excitement.

"I could probably be there by next week," I added, just to make him more jumpy, though it affected me, Jaehwa, and Eun, too. The latter made a run for it and hugged me, and I stumbled backwards. "Whoa!"

"Sorry," she giggled, not letting go. I decided it would be polite to hug her back, and I discovered she was really thin under that Thrasher hoodie. Over her shoulder, I saw Wooseok laughing really hard but also really quietly.

"It's okay," I laughed too. When Eun let go, she didn't return to her swing next to Jaehwa but instead remained by my side. I was flush.

Later in the evening, a couple minutes after Jaehwa was picked up, Eun got a text from her mother that summoned her home; she seemed very reluctant to go. When she was at the sidewalk, Wooseok nudged me and whispered, "Offer to walk her home."

"Should I?"

He snorted. "It's, like, a law. Go after her."

"Hey, Eun," I called, and she turned around with a start. The rhinestones on her septum piercing were gleaming. I jogged to her, Wooseok following a couple meters behind me. "Let me walk with you," I said to her once I caught up.

"Do you know how to get home from where I live?" she asked, evidently flattered since her cheeks grew rosy. Her nose was already pink from the cold air. I shook my head, my hair falling in my eyes. She reached up and moved it for me: a favor I never thought I'd thank her for.

"No, but I have Wooseok," I explained casually. We started in the direction the apartments were in. "It was really nice hanging out with you, by the way."

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> merry xmas!

[click for the bop of the year](https://youtu.be/3mz4C6fXRt0)

\- 천천히 -

My back. My arm. My head. Everything was throbbing. The hair in my eyes, blocking them from the anger of the sun, was stained red.

"Dawn!"

The voice was desperate. It wasn't loud, but it was near--I could tell by the water splashing on me as Kang Hyunggu dashed out of the ocean. Pain.

"Dawn, can you hear me? Call an ambulance!"

"Holy shit, Dawn, holy  _shit_!" It was another boy's voice. Yuto. I'd never seen him in panic before now, or maybe I had--my brain was shutting down.

I closed my eyes involuntarily, and the sky turned black. The water was no longer touching my limp body but instead could be heard from a quarter-mile away in the form of waves; the sounds disintegrated the more I tried to grasp at them, until finally they all died out.

"He's badly injured."

There were lights, equally as bright as my body was hurting. I couldn't breathe.

\- 천천히 -

The cramp in my hand spread like disease, and I sat up and discovered my fist was curled into a hook. I felt the tears streaming again and closed my eyes. Why did this happen to me?

Slowly, I started rocking back and forth. My phone vibrated on the table beside my bed, but it was just a notification from some game Wooseok downloaded when he was bored. The digital clock on the screen read  _6:00_  and flickered to  _6:01_. It was so dark out.

"Holy shit," I whispered to myself. Who said it in the dream? Yuto? And why had he said it? No matter the definition, it felt like a good descriptor for the throbbing of my arm. "Holy shit."

I remembered the feeling in my back, how it felt like I had been stabbed--if not then I was awoken in the middle of open spinal surgery. I lifted my hand over my shoulder to touch my cross tattoo, and there my fingers recoiled at the sinew of the wicked scar. That scar would be with me for the rest of my life, as well as the tattoo that it cut through.

Before I could stop myself, I called Wooseok on the phone and tried steadying my breaths as I waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Wooseok, it's me," I said in a broken voice. I think he sensed something was wrong because all the noise in the background ceased.

"Are you okay?" he asked. Not "are you good?" this time.

"I had another nightmare." I was still clenching my fist, so I lowered my phone-bearing hand and forced the other one open. I made sure to press the speaker phone button. "My arm hurts really bad. I don't know if I can do anything about it."

"Dawn, have you been taking your meds lately?" he asked. "My dad mentioned something about what those pills do for you and why I should help make sure you take them every day."

"I-I forgot I had to take them."

"All right. I don't have to go to school for another hour, so I'm going to get dressed and then come over, okay? I know your mom wouldn't mind, so don't worry about asking her first. And take those pills before I get there-- _please_."

"Okay."

I put my phone down, stretched my wrist, and crossed the dark room cautiously. My heart was pounding fast and it would be too inconvenient to turn the light on now, so I poured two tablets of my prescription into my palm and swallowed them dry. Maybe they would stop the pain. That wasn't their job, though.

I had to double-check myself in the bathroom mirror to make sure there really wasn't any congealed blood in my hair. I could still envision how paralyzed I was from the pain of that dream. How could I have been so stupid as to dive off a cliff? Was I expecting a trampoline at the bottom?

There was nothing but bleach in my hair; standing in the mirror for so long, I noticed the redness in my face was concentrated in my eyes after having cried. I brushed my teeth, and the strong mint smell made the redness bolder.

"Dawn?" a voice called from outside the bathroom. I didn't answer but instead poked my head out, toothbrush in mouth: it was Mom. "Why are you awake this early? Got plans?"

"I dunno, I woke up," I mumbled without taking the brush out of my mouth. She must have wanted to slap me for being impolite all the time.

On the corner of the countertop, one of my rings sat, begging me to wear it. I dared try it on and then spat frothy toothpaste into the sink. Seconds later, I heard Wooseok's voice from down the hall: "Hyojong!" he called, after having greeted Mom of course. I walked shyly out of the bathroom and directly into Wooseok, fixing my arms the whole way around his back. Mom was watching curiously from her seat at the table, but I hugged him anyway. "Everything okay?"

"I have a tattoo," I whispered, ignoring his question, "and a big scar that goes through it."

"Yeah, I know," he said quietly. I let go and looked up at him so he could give me an explanation. "After school, I think we should talk about these dreams you've been having. Sound good?"

"Yeah," I nodded, sniffling. I glanced at Mom, who was still not looking at me directly. "Mom, please remind me to take my medicine every day."

"Sure," she hummed. "Are you two okay?"

"Mrs. Kim, he had another nightmare. My dad says it's because of the pills, or lack thereof."

Mom stood up and walked to us, suddenly concerned. She looked at me up and down, her eyes landing on my arm, the one that cramped with each nightmare. "I'll make you some tea, Dawn. Take it easy today."

"Thank you, Mom."

I spent the remainder of my morning bidding farewell to Wooseok, watching  _Friends_ , and drinking tea. Mom went to work, and I remembered Mr. Kim was on a business trip now. I didn't say goodbye to him; that's too bad. As I was all alone now, in came waves of boredom.

Around lunchtime, I received a hello text from a new number. I received one shortly after from Wooseok, saying he gave my phone number to Eun since we most likely wouldn't see each other for a while. So I messaged her back and made a contact, but I needed her surname to complete it.

 **Hyojong // 11:52 AM  
** Hey. What's your family name?

 **Eun // 11:55 AM  
** Lee :-)

 **Hyojong // 11:55 AM  
** Nice to meet you, Lee Eun.

 **Lee Eun // 11:55 AM  
** u too, Kim Hyojong!

I smiled.

Eun was new for me. Not just her physical existence, but also my feelings about her. I couldn't say I loved her like I loved Wooseok or my other friends, but she was utterly beautiful and had not yet let anything stop her from talking to me. When we were at the park, she hugged me because she was enthusiastic about my appearance at school. I found it cute, to be honest, and she seemed worth pursuing. Just like I had pursued Jinho on my first day home--only I felt different about Eun than I did about Jinho.

Next thing I knew, it was my heart typing, not my fingers:

 **Hyojong // 11:56 AM  
** Do you want to hang out sometime?


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maeil ttokgateun neukkimi deureo oh jigyeowo school life

_Yanan_ ;

I woke up again with a start, but not a bad start. An alarm clock start. I was going to begin school today.

Last Friday in the afternoon, Wooseok and I ordered takeout and discussed my nightmares. He thought it would be better for me to get out so that I was more distracted during the day and didn't have as much time to dwell on those nightmares, and I agreed. Though he told me that those weren't just nightmares: they were memories, which I figured after having discovered the scar on my back and feeling the pain in my arm, but nonetheless it came as a shock. Dr. Kim never said anything about me getting my memory back.

Mr. Jung and Mom talked it out too and signed my registration forms together (Mr. Kim still wasn't back from his trip and wasn't present to sign under the parent or guardian sections).

The morning hurt to trudge through, as I was tired from having stayed up late. It had just been a weekend, so it was natural for me to stay up till morning came, but now I was neck-deep in regrets. My eyes wouldn't stay open even with the ceiling light on. I forced myself into the shower and brushed my teeth at snail-speed. The plan was for me to go to Wooseok's place after I was done getting ready, and Mr. Jung would try to drive me to the school early so I could be introduced to the principal and get a copy of my schedule. I got dressed in the same thing Mom laid on my bed when I shadowed Wooseok, except this time, I donned a blazer as well. It felt official.

"Mom, how do I look?" I asked instead of saying a proper morning greeting once I left my bedroom.

As she was facing the coffee pot, she turned around and eyed me up and down proudly. "Very handsome. You're going to fit right in, Dawn."

I smiled, "Thank you. I think I'm ready to go."

"Without breakfast?" she asked, her eyes widening in surprise. "Have some  _bibimbap_ before you go. I have a backpack set up for you, too. Please don't forget it."

I did as she said and hurried out, a light bag over my left shoulder, as it hurt my right shoulder to put the extra weight on it. I knocked on the door to Apartment 147, where the Jungs lived.

Wooseok answered and seemed very excited. We were wearing the same uniform. "Hey!" Then he turned his head into the apartment and called out, "Dad, Hyojong is here."

"Let's get going, then," said the gravelly voice from slightly behind Wooseok. We abandoned the building and went to Mr. Jung's car. My hands were shaky.

"I think they'll let you follow me today," Wooseok said to me as we boarded the back seat. "There probably won't be anybody who you share  _all_  your classes with, so I'll try to show you around the school again as we go--unless you remember it."

"I don't," I confessed. Because of it, the thought of school made me curious and antsy. We drove off playing Chopsticks, a finger game that I never won. We arrived before I could figure out which move to make next in the tenth round.

"Have a good day!" Mr. Jung hollered after us as we left. Wooseok waved and started walking ahead of me, so I just followed until he paused to let me catch up. There were cliques standing outside, waiting for the bell to ring, and I didn't have a clue which one we belonged to.

"Hongseok should be somewhere around here," Wooseok murmured to himself, peering over everybody's heads. He was easily the tallest person there, so it didn't take long for him to spot his friend. "Oh, Yanan is over there with him. Have you met him yet?"

"No," I shook my head, struggling to see where he was pointing. God, he was enormous.

"Well come on then," he smiled, dashing toward the brick wall where a bench covered in bird droppings and backpacks was located. "Hey, guys."

Hongseok, Hyunggu, Jinho, and the one who I assumed was Yanan were standing behind that bench. They turned their heads as soon as Wooseok said anything. They all seemed in high spirits, for Hongseok's broad, happy smile was shining, and the others were punching each other with laughter.

"Hyojong, what are you doing here?" Hongseok asked. He had been sitting on the back of the bench, but he stood up and faced me.

I grinned. "I'm starting school today."

Hyunggu practically leaped over the bench as if it were a hurdle and he were a sprinter; his smile flashed at me, and he seemed incredibly happy to hear the news. Jinho walked around, his own face scrunched up with an equally bubbly grin. I felt important, given all these people cared so much about my attendance.

"Hyojong?" the tall boy asked, still standing behind the bench. Hongseok and Hyunggu parted so that I could see him better. "Hi, I'm Yanan."

"Hi," I said. His voice was high and his face was carved with delicate features; his hair was straight and not a single strand flew up with the slightest breeze, and his shoulders were broad like podiums for little people to stand on. I could tell he welcomed me already. Just visually, it made sense that Wooseok was friends with him.

I didn't get a chance to say anything more to Yanan because the bell rang, and a flux of students ran past me in order by clique. Wooseok had his hand on my shoulder and stood directly beside me in case someone were to knock me over, and I noticed he did the same to Jinho. Short people culture. The three of us waited for the flux to pass, but Yanan and Hyunggu flowed with it.

"Run free, little one," Wooseok said jokingly when he let go of Jinho's shoulder, and the smaller boy glared at him.

"At least I fit through doors," he retorted. My jaw fell open at the comeback, and Wooseok swatted his hand dismissively. Based on the morning alone, I knew today would be eventful.

\- 천천히 -

Lunch period was quite an experience. I didn't get to see Yuto because he was on the baseball diamond, but I found myself wedged between Shinwon and Hui while Wooseok sat directly across from me. Everyone else sat in various places at the circular table. Somehow the name Jaehwa was mentioned, and then Wooseok snuck Eun into the conversation for my sake. I was drinking out of a water bottle when the topic came up, and suddenly everyone was interested in me.

"We know Wooseokie has a thing for Jaehwa," Hui started, eyeing everyone around the circle with one of his eyebrows arched and the other flat; "but does Hyojong have a thing for Eun?"

"Hold on," I said, holding my hands up and wiping water off my chin. "I didn't know Wooseok liked Jaehwa."

"Haven't you seen them?" Hyunggu asked, driving his elbow sharply into Wooseok's ribs, making the younger boy groan loudly. Then, with some kind of accent, he said, "He's smitten."

"Oh, sure," Shinwon scoffed. "Give 'em a break. Seeing Wooseok with a girl is like seeing the Invisible Man."

I raised my finger to protest: "Actually--"

"Agreed," Wooseok said, cutting me off deliberately. He made a face at me that somehow I interpreted as  _abort_.

"Wooseok and Jaehwa would be the world's cutest couple!" Yanan piped up, clasping his hands together with admiration for his two friends. I laughed at his tenderness.

"You know who else would be?" Wooseok asked, smirking at Yanan. "Hyojong and Eun. He's already got her number!"

"That's, like, third base," Shinwon gawked, but I could tell there was sarcasm in his voice. I didn't know what "third base" meant, but I figured it was something more complex than my relationship with Eun. I might look stupid if I ask, I thought.

"That doesn't mean I asked for it," I said, trying desperately to divert the attention from me.

Yanan looked heartbroken when I said that, and his shoulders drooped. "So you don't like her?"

I didn't say anything, just bit my lip and looked down at my water bottle.

"Aye!"

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> grab ur tissues

Jinho wasn't at school the next day.

When Wooseok and I got back to the apartments, I asked him about it, and he said it was unusual for Jinho to be absent. He had perfect attendance, except for two years ago when he broke his foot in Phys. Ed.

"I wonder what's up, then," I shook my head, puzzled about the conflict. I unlocked my phone and navigated to my contacts, seeing Jinho relatively close to the top. Maybe I should text him about it.

"If you want, we can walk up to his house after I do my homework," Wooseok suggested, peering down at me. I put my phone away. "If he's sick, we could run and bring him something."

"I don't feel like running."

"Not literally, you doofus," Wooseok laughed. "What do you say?"

"Sure." We dropped our backpacks off at our respective homes and met in the hall again. Mom wasn't home from work, and Mr. Kim had one more day in Moscow until he would fly back, so I didn't have to tell anybody where I was going.

The air outside was still frigid and smelled of cookies. Maybe there was a factory in that shopping center that produced baked goods. There were very few Ginkgo leaves on the street this time, but instead patches of snow on the lawns that surrounded it. The sky was grey and pouting from lack of decent weather.  _Me too._

"I bet he has the flu," Wooseok assumed, kicking a pebble and swinging his leg more than he needed to. "It's the right time of year, and he doesn't go to the doctor all that much."

"Why do you say that?" I asked, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

"'Cause it's true. His parents can't afford all those fancy vaccines," he shrugged. "It's a shame."

Once the small, ugly house stood before us, Wooseok did the honor of knocking. All of the windows were dark and nobody answered the door.

"Maybe they're not home," I proposed, peering up at Wooseok's face to see whether he agreed. But he shook his head, his brows drawn together.

"The car is here though," Wooseok said, jabbing his thumb at the driveway where the car was indeed parked. He pulled out his phone and initiated a phone call, worry strewn all over his otherwise clean face. "Jinho? You  _are_  home? You don't sound too good. Sorry for the scare. What? Oh--I have Hyojong with me. Can we come in? Yeah, we're alone."

I couldn't hear any bit of what Jinho was saying to Wooseok through the line, but Wooseok seemed apprehensive after hanging up, and he opened the front door and told me to go inside ahead of him. His voice reduced down to a whisper: "He says he wasn't allowed to open the door to anyone."

Once inside, I followed Wooseok upstairs and down a hallway until we finally made it into a small bedroom. There was a mattress on the floor and a box-shaped television perched on top of a dresser. The walls were white, how I wished mine were. Jinho was crouched on the floor, leaning against the wall with his phone plugged into it. He looked rather dull when he saw us.

"Jinho?" I said unsteadily. I found myself descending to sit beside him, and Wooseok joined me. Jinho just stared shyly for a moment, and we let him breathe before talking.

"I had to sell my bed frame," he murmured. I glanced at the mattress, then back to Jinho. "My parents think we're going to lose the house."

"Oh my God," Wooseok said, his face bearing sorrow for Jinho. He leaned forward and put his hand on Jinho's knee. "Is everything okay? Why do they think that?"

"My dad was fired," he said. His voice was robotic, if not numb to the shock. "Mom was jobless already. I have to get a job."

"I'm so sorry, Jinho," I said softly, but I didn't want to touch him since Wooseok already was. "If there's anything we can do to help..." Wooseok looked me in the eyes and nodded in agreement; we were here for support.

"I wish I could accept it, but I can't. I just can't."

Wooseok began to protest. "Look, if you ever want to come over for dinner, or--"

But Jinho scrunched his face up and started bawling, which cut Wooseok off. What to do? Should I offer him more? Instead, I lifted my right arm and placed it around Jinho's back, squeezing his shoulder. He was shook with every sob that left his mouth despite his efforts to conceal the noise.

"Hey," Wooseok said, his hand still on the knee. Jinho never looked up, just covered his eyes so we wouldn't see the tears flowing. "You don't have to ask anybody for anything, okay? We're here for you no matter what happens. I think I know a place you can get a job, and you can take your mom for an interview, too."

He uttered out a "thank you" and put one of his hands on top of my hand, the other on Wooseok's, continuing to cry about the hardship. No one said a thing for the rest of our time in Jinho's room, until he calmed down and we ventured downstairs. Mr. and Mrs. Jo were seated on the floor as well, where the round table had once been placed, and had stacks of envelopes to sort through.

"These ones are due sooner," Mr. Jo said intensely to his wife. He saw the three of us at the foot of the stairs and stood up fast, smiling jovially at everyone. Mrs. Jo followed suit. "Hello!"

"Would any of you care for some tea?" Mrs. Jo asked, wiping the backs of her thighs as if they were covered in dirt.

"No, thank you," Wooseok nervously denied, waving his hands and shaking his head. "Actually, Hyojong and I were just leaving."

"Aww," Mrs. Jo softened. I nodded to her and Mr. Jo, then clapped Jinho on the shoulder with hopes that he would feel better soon and that the money conflict wasn't going to ruin his life. I'd had enough life-ruining experience to know that things do get better.

\- 천천히 -

At home, Wooseok and I paused outside the apartments and sat on a bench. We sat with our heads in our hands and our eyes closed. Being privileged felt like a sin.

"Should we do anything?" I asked, turning my head sideways. Wooseok looked equally as stressed as I was.

"We should," he said, "but not yet. Maybe keep it to yourself till then, okay? I'll say something to my dad."

"Okay."


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im Upset

_Changgu_ ;

In Phys. Ed. on Friday--we would always play games on Fridays--we played soccer, and I developed a headache in the middle of one of my stronger kicks. I thought that kick might have had something to do with the pain behind my eyes, but it didn't disappear for a while and I had to be benched. Otherwise, that class was the most fun I'd had in a while.

I sat beside a boy who had been absent the entire week, but he seemed familiar--maybe I had seen him at Shinwon's party or somewhere in the neighborhood. His teeth were straight and small like Yuto's, but his face was gentle like Yanan's. He was coughing quietly to himself; I didn't notice until I was right next to him, so he was probably being very mindful of the noise he made. He was wearing his school uniform, not the one designated for gym class.

"You played well," he complimented me out of the blue, his eyes completely averted though. I looked sideways at him after having quaffed water and massaged my temple. Where had I seen him before?

"Thanks," I said. "How come you're sitting here too?"

"I have a lung thing," he shrugged, his voice cracking. It must have been impairing his voice. He coughed once more, so I decided I wouldn't ask any more questions.

My head pounded furiously.

_Changgu's white smile resurfaced--he must have just thought I was chickening out--and he pumped an open hand in the air excitedly, the droplets of muddy water splashing onto my shoulder._

_"While you two were saving the environment, I got a text from Changgu."_

_"It'll be his second URI in two months. He's going to the ER."_

"Changgu," I said softly, squeezing my eyes shut. No one was supposed to hear me, but the boy on my left side gasped, finally looking me in the eye.

"You remember me," he whispered, his lips trembling. I jerked to the right, near the water cooler, hoping I hadn't set him off. "Hyojong, you remember who I am, don't you?"

"I..." So badly did I want to say "Sort of," but I couldn't finish my sentence before Changgu's velvet eyes started producing tears, his delicate hands landing over his mouth. The pain grew sharper, more personal.

"It's been so long," he wept, shoulders shaking, chest heaving. I didn't know what to do. Seeing Jinho cry was bad enough.

"Just breathe," I advised, thinking it best to put my hand on his shoulder blade. He didn't stop to breathe, just continued sobbing on the bench. "I'm really sorry I alarmed you. All my friends talked about you at the New Year's party, and that's all I know."

Changgu's eyes now looked hurt, so I drew my hand away from him and cleared my throat uncomfortably. "S-so... you don't remember me? After six years?"

"Six years?" I repeated, utterly surprised. "You must be mistaken. I've only been here for three months. I'm sorry."

"Three months? Hyojong, we were best friends," he argued, his red eyes pleading. He turned his body sideways to face me more directly. Just then, his hands cupped my shoulders as the desperation poured out of his body, and I didn't know if I should take it as an act of friendship or something else. "Please! Y-you can't pretend you just didn't have a life before then. We watched  _Friends_ every day after school. I third-wheeled you and Lee Eun while you were dating. I was there for you when your dad walked out. We went cliffdiving in the Philippines together. You're telling me you don't remember any of this?"

I found myself glaring and stammering despite my not trying to speak. My head was spinning, and I didn't believe a single word Changgu said to me. They were lies. Wooseok was the one who watched  _Friends_ after school. I never dated Eun. Mr. Kim was Mom's husband, and he was still with her. I had never traveled further north or south than South Korea. Not me. Not me. Not me.

I stood up when Changgu's crying became more intense and the game going on in front of us ended. I grabbed my hair--blond like I knew it used to be--and simply fell over, involuntarily. I was dizzy with pain in my head and confusion everywhere else. Someone yelled "Dawn!" from on the field. The sky grew dark as numerous faces appeared overhead, circling me like hawks and blocking the sun. Everyone's faces fused together into an angry, stubbly man's face: I didn't recognize him at first, but he was the teacher. Above the teacher's face, the sounds of his whistle as well as Changgu's bawling reverberated quietly but so unbelievably close to me that I felt my arm and neck tense up like they had so many instances before. My brain was shutting down.

Suddenly, I couldn't see.

\- 천천히 -

Returning to the hospital was like visiting an annoying relative's home after years of freedom. Or, rather, a span that  _felt_  like years because I had virtually reconstructed eighteen years of my life in just three months. The hospital itself was familiar and comfortable, but I didn't want to be there regardless. It wasn't home anymore.

My head stopped hurting, and my arm and neck were free from cramps. Bliss. I was in a new room now. There was constant shuffling in the hallway that I couldn't ignore, and it gave me the feeling that a doctor would barge in at any moment, and eventually one did: Dr. Kim. At least there was one person I knew here.

"Hello, Hyojong," he said cheerfully, donning the standard white coat and blue scrubs. I didn't say a word back to him, just lifted a finger because it was all I could muster at the moment. "You're under some pretty heavy meds right now. To put it in simplest terms, you had a seizure before the ambulance arrived at your school."

"Hmm?" I hummed interrogatively. I still didn't want to speak.

"Something occurred this morning that caused many of your traumatic memories to flood back too fast, and that ultimately caused your body to shut down as a self-defense mechanism," Dr. Kim explained, producing a pen and pad from his coat pocket. "I understand you're in a very tired state right now, but if you could try to describe the things you remember now, I'll leave you alone for a while. I just need to gauge how serious this is."

My eyes fluttered shut at his command and I strained to gather what I remembered. Ironically, my mind felt blank, blanker than it ever had been.

"Nothing," I said. And then I felt a stabbing pain in my head again, right where it was this morning during soccer. I groaned and put my palms on my eyebrows as if that would soothe me.

"Everything all right, Hyojong?"

"I have a headache," I said, trying not to move too quickly in the event that it would worsen the pain. I lowered my palms and stared in Dr. Kim's attentive eyes; he was readier than ever to jot down my collection of memories.

He clicked his pen open. "Why does your head hurt?"

"I don't know," I shrugged, frustrated. "I fell on some rocks, landed on my arm."

He scribbled away. But that wasn't impressive, I thought, because my nightmare told me that that was how I acquired my injuries.

"Did you get a concussion that day?"

"Yes."

"Who was with you?"

I pinched my neck hard to spread the pain elsewhere. "Everyone." Wooseok, Changgu, Hongseok, Hyunggu, Yuto, Shinwon, Hui, Yanan, and Jinho. That was weirdly obvious to me.

"Where were you when you fell?"

"The Philippines." It hurt so much, my eyes felt heavy and blurred. "Dr. Kim, I can't continue..."

"Are you all right, Hyojong?"

"It hurts." My right hand curled into a ball and my bicep grew into a knot. It felt like a parasite inside me was dragging my veins out through my finger tips, and my muscles and bones were going with them.

"Keep your eyes open," he instructed. He reached out and unfolded my hand, stretching it for me, which felt even worse. "You need to stay with me. I have just a few more questions: what's your father's name?"

"Mr. Kim."

"No, Hyojong, what's your  _real_  father's name?"

I strained, and then it came to me: "Kim Hyo-young." I screwed my eyes shut and bent forward, scratching intensely at my forearms because anything was better than the migraine brewing in me. It wasn't confined in my head, it was a full-body ache--an injury to every square inch of me. My cheeks were considerably wetter than they had been when I woke up; it felt like I was crying, and maybe I was, but the only sounds that came out of my mouth were automatic answers to Dr. Kim's invasive questions. All the agony and remembrances flew into me at light speed, for the stars around me were no longer dots but long white lines.

"Can you tell me where he is right now?" Dr. Kim asked.

"Japan."

"And what did that do to your mom?"

"Suicide."

"No, Hyojong, she didn't commit suicide," Dr. Kim corrected me. I couldn't see him as I was still doubled over, my face buried in my lap, but I could hear his pen scratching away on the paper.  There definitely were tears in my eyes, for they dampened my arms and lap. I sat up for his next statement: "However, she did think about it."

"Why are you telling me this?" I demanded. I screamed it. I was in so much pain. Had the medicine worn off? What kind of medicine was it anyway? Anything but painkillers.

"Believe it or not, I'm not telling you anything," Dr. Kim contradicted. "You're figuring it out by yourself. Ever since your episode, your RA seems to have vanished. It's a miracle, Hyojong."

"RA, sir?" I asked, severely trembling at this point.

"Retrograde amnesia."

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two presents

Mom was coming to visit me today. She wasn't allowed yesterday by City Hospital's dictation, but I was awake and lively now, only I ran the risk of another "seizure." I forget why.

Some nurses came into my room early in the morning and accidentally woke me up. They brought pills, replaced my blanket for a warmer one, and changed my IV bag because I would need new medicine later on in the day to stabilize my emotions. All of this happened in a blur though, for I was staring at the ceiling, lying as still as a board.

The things I learned--or remembered--were shocking. I wouldn't have assumed any bit of it on my own, especially that Mom had been remarried; she owned a ring, of course, but it was painful to know that it wasn't her first one. She must have suffered so much, given her husband left and her only child lost his memory. No wonder Wooseok and my other friends respected her so much. No wonder she cared for them so much. They were like family to her.

Yet another surprise was everything regarding Eun. I considered Wooseok might have set us up, but the reason I found it interesting at first was that I had never even spoken to a woman other than Mom and we still clicked--that's what I had been trained to think, anyway. But Eun was my girlfriend. If I hadn't gone to the Philippines, or if I hadn't been stupid enough not to watch myself at the very least, I wouldn't have lost her. Somehow, I felt guilty. Maybe she was equally as torn as Mom was when my accident happened and it took this long for us to get back on our feet.

"Hyojong, you have some visitors coming up in a few minutes," a nurse with downturned eyes and hazel streaks in her hair told me. I had seen her before, perhaps before moving in with Mom.

"Visitors?" I repeated, not sitting up yet but moving my eyes dramatically so she knew I was looking at her. "Plural?"

She nodded as she fluffed my pillow from under my head. "Yeah, your mother and a friend are on their way up the elevators. We'll give you some privacy." I bet it was Wooseok. I would kill to see him.

To my surprise, once visiting hours began, Mom walked in alone, a purse around her shoulder and an anxious smile on her face. I smiled back, peering at the door as she hugged me. Nobody followed. "Hey, Dawn."

"Hi, Mom," I said. Her voice and eyes were soft. They were red, too, but not in the way they usually were: today she seemed happy in a dainty manner. "How are you?"

"I'm doing well," she sighed, sitting on the edge of my roller bed. "I took today off. The other florists were stoked to hear that you're back."

"I'm glad," I smiled.  _I'm back._

"Me too." She put her purse on my bedside table and stared out the window on my left. "You've got a nice view."

"It's not as nice as the one I had last time I was here," I complained. Last time, I had the view of the city skyline with traffic light silhouettes in combination with the purpley-orange sunsets. It was interesting then, but now I had an alley and the bright blue sky to look at.

"That's true," she laughed, "but luckily, you won't have to look at it nearly as long."

"Good."

"Is that a bathroom right there?" she asked just then, pointing at the plain white door opposite to the window. I nodded at her, and she excused herself. Then something buzzed in her purse.

I glanced over at it sharply. There was a light coming from it, and the temptation was hard to ignore, so I reached my hand in and retrieved a cellphone whose notifications were going wild. It wasn't Mom's phone, I was positive on that. There were text messages from names I recognized: Wooseok, Hui, Yanan.

The messages themselves interested me, for they appeared to be in a groupchat and regarded Jinho's family. I felt immediate relief and grinned when I scrolled up to the point where someone texted to everyone, "He and his mom were hired."

Before those messages about Jinho were exchanged, there had been little activity in the group chat. It took me less than a second to spot the bottom of a JPG attachment from last December. The image was dark, so I clicked on it and saw outlines of trees wrapped in Christmas lights. Of course, I squeezed my eyes shut, expecting a headache from the memory of Wooseok taking those photos, but nothing happened. It was officially safe to swipe to the left, and doing so showed me a picture of myself with my horrendous brown hair, standing beside a Santa Claus figure. I forgot about that picture.

Underneath the photos, Changgu wrote, "When will I get to see him again? Been too long." My heart sunk into my feet. If only he had been introduced sooner, when he was less vulnerable.

I decided to send a message quickly, for I heard the toilet flush in the bathroom. Mom would be out soon.

 **Hyojong // 11:30 AM  
** How did you get this number?

 **Wooseok // 11:30 AM  
** Hyojong?? You found your old phone!

I turned it off when I heard the sink running and slid it into a pocket in Mom's purse. She came back into my room and adjusted her hair.

"Mom, I was told there was another visitor here," I said.

"Right," she nodded. "I have something for you, too. I'm going to give it to you and then I'll leave you two be, okay?"

She gave me the cellphone that I discovered prematurely and walked out gracefully, soon to be replaced by Lee Eun. God, she was beautiful. Two presents.

Today, she did not have her septum piercing in but instead was wearing thick Coach glasses, skinny jeans, and a zipped fur-trimmed parka. She wasn't as dressed up as she usually was, but it was nice to see the more authentic, candid side of Eun. Her face lit up when she saw me, and she waved shyly. "Hey."

"Hey," I grinned. "Come sit." She obeyed, tucking some hair behind her ear.

"Rumor has it that you got your memory back," she began, biting her bottom lip and raising her brows hopefully. I nodded and chuckled. I didn't know why, but I was really flustered by every little thing she did; normally I would be less affected.

"I did," I confirmed, and she cracked a smile, looking down at her lap and twiddling her thumbs. Maybe it was nervousness, but Eun seemed awfully timid today. We were silent for a moment before she stood up and sat down again, this time close enough for me to touch her. I lay my hand out, and she placed hers on top.

"So, does that mean..." she trailed off. I saw a spark in her eye and I bet it was in mine as well.

"I missed you."

She tilted her head at my statement, flattered. "Did you really?"

"Of course I did," I said. I realized I made the mistake of cliffdiving unprepared, and that had ruined my life. I missed times when life was fun. "Hey, we never got to hang out."

"You're right," she frowned. "How about after you're released?"

"That sounds good." Then we were quiet for a couple of seconds.

"By the way, I missed you too, Dawn," she murmured, squeezing my hand after having reintroduced the subject. I didn't think she would say it, but alas she did. Her lips pursed the longer she stared in my eyes, at least until she turned her face away and I couldn't see her expression anymore. "A lot."

I sat forward, wrapped my arms around her, and leaned back, pulling her with me. Naturally, my chin rested on the side of her head. I didn't remember how often we'd embraced as such in the past, but it felt right. Until her shoulders shook against my chest. I was bad at comforting people in tears, but it was worth a shot.

"You okay?" I whispered, rubbing her back softly. The fur on her hood felt nice.

"Yeah," she answered even though she didn't sound very okay. I knew it was an emotional moment for her. She sniffled and sat up, eyes reddened under her glasses. "Don't ever jump off another cliff, Kim Hyojong, you hear me?"

"I promise," I beamed. "I've learned my lesson. Trust me."

"Good." She let out another sob, returning to her place against my chest. I held her to the best of my ability without loosening my grip.

We lay still for just a couple more minutes before I helped her sit up and then offered her a tissue to clean her tear-stained face--it didn't do much since the tears continued flowing. But there was a magnet in our chests drawing the two of us closer together, so I just smiled at her, grabbed her face, and kissed her. That was definitely something I missed.

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bittersweet

I singled out Changgu's phone number from the group chat that I found on my old cellphone and sent him an invitation to my hospital room. I wanted to talk with him and make sure he wasn't still so upset, so traumatized; now that I fully acknowledged who he was, I knew that was out of character for him. He accepted and told me he'd be here by lunch time.

Dr. Kim walked into my room after I finished breakfast and startled me. He wasn't holding a clipboard like usual, but instead wore his glasses on the bridge of his nose and had his hands clasped together. That didn't look good.

"Good morning, Hyojong," he said to me upon entrance. Was it really a good morning? I waved my chopsticks at him and slid the tray of food away from me because I was done. "Is that  _seolleongtang_? It's really good over at Imun Seolnongtang."

"I can't remember the last time I've been there," I said, just glad that I recognized it as a restaurant.

"We should talk to your mother about that," he laughed, leaning one hand on the counter beside the window as he spoke to me. "Actually, I was just here to explain some things to you so that you're prepared."

"For what?"

He sighed, pushed his glasses up. "I'd like to keep you in the hospital a little while longer. When you had that seizure and remembered everything, it was obviously a lot to take in and of course very strange, so I think it'd be best if my teammates and I monitored you for the next few days to be sure that no damage was done."

I gulped. "What kind of damage?"

Dr. Kim tilted his head sympathetically at my oblivion and tapped his temple twice as if to indicate that I might have brain damage. No, I didn't. I was fine.

"Don't get me wrong, your physical state is perfectly fine. You remember your fine motor skills were affected by your injury and on top of that you may have bruised something by collapsing on the soccer field, but your head is okay," he furthered. So what was the problem? "Only thing is, you've been through a lot as a child and teen, so there might be a little more than physical damage. More... psychological. It just hasn't set in yet."

"I'm not crazy," I insisted, automatically jumping to the conclusion that he thought I was losing my mind. I was getting it back--literally. Dr. Kim shook his head and waved his hands about, so I looked away.

"No, of course you're not crazy!" he clarified. "I meant there may have been some trauma. Even without the memories, you woke up in the night with terrible cramps after having landed on your arm. Also, from what Mr. Jung tells me, you've had a couple of nightmares at home since your release. That's not good, Hyojong."

"I know," I said quietly, rubbing my right wrist. That pain was familiar to me, and if I thought about it, I could feel it. "So?"

"So if you're on board, I'd like you to stay here for the next five days and speak to a psychiatrist once a day to see how you're doing emotionally. I understand that this is a tedious effort towards your recovery, but... desperate times."

"Why a psychiatrist?" I asked. "Why not you or Mom?"

"I'm afraid neither of us are credentialed enough to assume that role; however," he proposed, "would you be more comfortable talking to Mr. Jung about it?"

It didn't take any considering. "Yes."

He called Mom and scribbled some notes. I'd have to switch rooms before tomorrow, he told me.

Thus established my weeklong stay at City Hospital.

\- 천천히 -

Changgu arrived quietly and just waved at me with a closed-mouth smile. I did the same, sitting with my legs folded and my phone weighing my hand down.

"How are you?" he asked, his voice small and unsure; he cleared his throat hesitantly and grimaced at some unknown thing. With miniature footsteps, he approached me and sat on the chair next to the bathroom door.

"I'm doing better," I said. I quickly realized Changgu wasn't going to talk much on his own, so I figured now was the best time to explain why I invited him. "For the record, I'm gonna be okay."

"That's good to hear," he nodded, leaning forward with his elbows on either knee. I nodded in return.

"And," I said, breathing deeply, "for the past few days, I've had this question."

It was something I had been thinking about ever since I reclaimed my thoughts and memories. Something about the fact that all my past best friends and even my girlfriend somehow gravitated back to me and I to them was suspicious, and while I wasn't upset about this realization, I was curious and puzzled as to what could have caused that. I didn't believe in fate, at least not in the sense that it could have gathered all of us back together after the accident. There was only one way to find out the truth and it was by asking someone who was clearly involved and dedicated. I thought Changgu deserved to answer me, righteously, so he could retaliate for causing my seizure.

"What is it?"

"Did you make some kind of plan to pretend they didn't know me?" He lowered his face and stared at the tile floor, but I could still see the faint expression of anxiety that he was hiding. "Please don't sugarcoat it."

"Basically," he sighed, looking back at me with a look that said  _I've given up_. "You're exactly right. It was Wooseok's dad's idea, since he's your specialist, and he told everyone about it at a meeting we had in the school guidance counselor's office. He told us that Wooseok should be one of the first to 'meet' you, and from there he should guide you to each of us."

"But I met Jinho first," I said. "I guess Mom told me to do that, though."

Changgu coughed into a tissue and balled it up in his shaky fist. "Right. And we were doing so well, except a couple slip-ups that I heard about through the groupchat that you just found. You know, things like when one of us said something that only applied before the accident, and you wouldn't have had any clue about now."

"Like when Mom asked if I was gonna dye my hair  _again_." It was all coming together.

"Yeah." His voice grew quieter and more broken, so he pulled out the tissue again and held it an inch out from his mouth as if he was going to cough again, but he never did. "I was the last to meet you, and the first to give up on the system."

"Is that why you were so upset during Phys. Ed.?"

My question went over his head. "I didn't mean to break down or anything. Hongseok told me he felt so refreshed when he ran into you at work, and I got jealous--you know? He wasn't supposed to meet you there. But no matter what, it was planned that I would meet you last. I had no say whatsoever."

"I'm sorry it took so long." I frowned and scratched the back of my neck.

"That's not the issue, Dawn," he shook his head. I softened at the nickname. "I wasn't supposed to tell you everything; I was out of control. You were supposed to get all that information back on your own. You could've been seriously traumatized, and there's no telling whether you will be in the future."

"If it means anything, I don't care that you told me," I said. "Some of it was for the best."

"True, but then again it's the reason you're here right now. I feel like there's nothing worse I could've done in ten years to top this," he admitted, his eyes welling up. I pushed a box of tissues toward him, and he held it in his lap. "Your mom had so many bills to pay for the six months you spent here. Now this-- _this_ \--" (he gestured around the room) "--is my fault. I can't believe it even after so many days have passed. I'm so sorry, Hyojong."

"Calm down," I said. "It's okay. Mom and Mr. Kim have jobs, and I can get one too if it would help them. But Mom wouldn't ever blame you for anything, and neither would Dr. Kim or I myself. Just keep that in mind."

"Thanks for understanding," he said softly, then coughed hoarsely into a new tissue. It turned red this time, and I jumped back with alarm.

"What's that?" I asked.

"That hasn't happened before," he confessed, his eyes growing wide. "It hurts, but I've never coughed blood. Ever."

I groped around the side of my bed and sought my help wire, which came with a red button that would summon a nurse when pushed. I pushed hard on it for lack of a better resolution and saw Changgu stand up, alarmed.

"Wait."

"What?"

"The only reason I could--" (he coughed here, nearly doubling over in the middle of his sentence) "--come visit you was because of my appointment."

"You have an appointment at the hospital?"

He kept coughing, staining the two-ply tissue with more dark red specks. It was gross to watch, but he patted his chest to indicate he was here for a checkup on his URIs.

"God, I hope you're okay," I grimaced, covering my own mouth as he sat back down. A woman in scrubs barged in just then.

"Everything all right?" she asked, seeing that we were both in good shape. On the outside, at least.

"Sorry, we're fine," Changgu dismissed at first. "Uh, do you know anything about a bloody cough?"

She turned her attention to me and furrowed her brows. It must have sounded odd, given practically the whole staff knew why I was here, and a bloody cough was not a symptom.

"It's not mine," I told her, "it's his. He has an appointment coming up anyway."

"Let me take a look," she said, crossing the room to dig some tools out of the system of cabinets. I looked out the window as she examined Changgu's throat.

She told him something quietly and advised that he get down to the waiting room, so I stood up and hugged him.

"Thanks for coming," I mumbled, nudging him on the shoulder. "I'm glad we sorted things out."

"Me too," he nodded, restricting his voice. I didn't blame him for doing that. "See you later, Dawn."

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone's fine, but to what extent?

On my seventh and final day at the hospital, I got some news.

All of my friends came into my room after I'd taken a walk in the manmade courtyard between buildings, and they all seemed rather glum. It was crowded. There, I saw that Changgu was dragging an oxygen supply with him and wore a nasal cannula. He told me he would need a thoracotomy, but he didn't specify what it was for. He only told me it was an invasive procedure but everything would be okay soon.

Despite not knowing the significance, I started to cry at the news; it had sounded scary. He hugged me, and then morning visiting hours were over, so Mr. Jung came over with the week's final report.

"Hey, Dawn," he said, his smile bright and white. I still feared his raspy voice, especially because I had an inward qualm that it could be related to Changgu's coughing. My whole body tensed at that thought. "Are you excited to get out of here?"

"Yeah," I nodded, and I chuckled to make myself seem more interested. Really, I would prefer to be alone, or with Wooseok. No, I'd rather be with him than alone. "Whatcha got there?" I gestured at the manilla folder under his arm.

"This is your report," he said. "I printed it out for the hospital's archives. Today, we're just going to go over it."

That sounded better than talking about my feelings to him, so I nodded and crossed my arms as Mr. Jung opened the folder. There was a single packet inside, and the page on top looked like a spreadsheet. He smoothed it over with his palm and picked up the packet.

"We've recorded three nightmares this week," he relayed, squinting at the spreadsheet as the words on it were so small. "But you claim you knew that the events in those nightmares had already happened, and they were different from your first few nightmares. Correct?"

I shuddered. For three consecutive nights, I woke up in cold sweats, my arm and neck in terrible pains after having re-witnessed the sandy rocks cutting into my back, the salt water stinging my wounds. I had trouble breathing the night I dreamed of the time my father left and it was my responsibility as a fifteen-year-old boy to manage my home, and with it came the night Mom told me she might not be here anymore either. I remembered the time Eun and I nearly broke up because I was too stressed about my parents. Simply thinking about the dreams was hard to bear. "Yeah."

"You've been on new medication for the span of this week, haven't you? Those nightmares must've been a side effect," he mumbled to himself, appearing confused as if there were a quadratic equation on that spreadsheet and he had no calculator to help him tackle it. Just then, he straightened his back and looked me in the eye. "All right, Hyojong, everything else on here seems about normal. Dr. Kim and I agreed that I should regularly check up on you after you're released--you know, psychologically. You went through a lot, so you're very vulnerable, but that's a sign of strength as well."

He conveyed so many points then that I didn't know which one to address, so I just thanked him and nodded. A moment of silence passed before I wondered, "What's next?"

"Well, now I can call your mom and let her know you're leaving today," he smiled, clapping his hands together once. I smiled too. Finally.

\- 천천히 -

I was fine. Physically, a little less fine than most people. Emotionally, a little more fine than I should have been, which was incredible to Dr. Kim. But it was okay.

Looking back over my life now that I truly could was like taking advantage of a second chance. It felt that way, anyway--hopefully it would be my final chance. Enough had happened to me last year that I didn't want another chance, and I especially didn't want to  _need_  another chance.

From the day I came out of my coma up until now, I had this persistent belief that everyone around me would have less to worry about if I hadn't woken up at all; I was always jealous of my friends when they proved they knew Mom better than I did, and that made me feel like I was still just a City Hospital patient visiting some lady that was uncomfortable around him. It was unfair. That was my excuse for why Mom never liked to look at me and why her eyes grew red when she did, but it was really because I reminded her of our dramatic history and how much worse it had gotten since she was abandoned by her husband, her willpower, and finally her son. While I was too naive to know it at the time, everything that had happened was for my benefit. I became selfish in the sense that deep down, I wanted more than what people willingly gave me. But today I completely reproach those statements. I couldn't be more thankful.

My friends helped me a lot. They're the ones I won't ever let go of. I battled boredom and oblivion with all nine of them beside me even when I didn't realize it, and while neither of those problems are as severe as my other problems, I still appreciate the guys for being with me. I know I had more than nine friends in my past because some of them visited me in my dreams, but these were the only ones who cared enough to stick around. I'm glad I can repay them now for all those years. Jinho and his family are getting along well these days, and so is Changgu. His surgery went well; I would later learn his lung cancer was being further treated with chemotherapy. It no longer dazed me that he was so emotional about being the last one to "meet" me. He stayed strong.

Sure, it hurts to reminisce over who I used to be, but it's also a lesson I will never forget. I'll be responsible. I'll keep my grades up. I'll stay in shape. I'll pay my taxes on time. Mom slowly gave me little life tips for all those months that I lived with amnesia: she gave me proper clothes for good impressions, cooked healthy food so I wouldn't become a bum, and reminded me to use my manners whenever I was inadvertently impolite. I don't want to think about how torn and broken Mom used to be, for now Mr. Kim and I can keep her on her feet. That's my ultimate goal, no matter how many friends I have or years I date Eun.

I won't let you down, Mom. I'll remember.

_fin._


End file.
